Fact: I haven’t had a good night’s sleep since Sienna was born. I’ve heard this isn’t unique, that once you have a kid, your mind automatically listens for any little noise thus causing you to awake in the middle of night time and time again. My parents said that despite me pushing 40, it hasn’t helped their sleeping habits. My best friend also weighed in and said that getting older plays a role, that he falls asleep only to awake a few hours later and remain up for who knows how many hours. He said that he now goes downstairs and watches an episode or 2 of some show in hopes he’ll fall asleep again.
I definitely think that having Sienna has changed my ability to stay asleep and/or feel rested regardless of how much sleep I get, but it doesn’t explain my current bout with insomnia. It started when Elaine left for Las Vegas. At first I attributed it to the stress of taking care of Sienna completely alone and missing Elaine next to me at night, but it’s continued despite her return. Actually, it’s gotten worse. The other night I couldn’t fall asleep until past 5 am, and after getting up at 8-something to take care of Sienna, I spent the rest of the day in a zombie-like state (even though I took a 3-hour nap). I took a melatonin that night at 9 pm and quickly fell asleep, but I awoke a few hours later, fell back asleep, awoke again, fell back asleep, awoke again, etc. In all, I got probably 9-10 hours of sleep and I’m still exhausted.
I think part of what’s killing me is the inability to stay asleep. It used to be that I spent hours trying to fall asleep, but once I was out, I was OUT; nothing could wake me up. That’s no longer the case, though I tend not to hear Sienna when she wakes up because she sits in her crib and talks to herself instead of crying. I have my alarm set for 8 am and hit snooze again and again depending on how tired I am. Sienna never complains. Once I snoozed ’til TEN!! I felt ridiculously guilty about that. In a sense, Sienna not crying and almost always sleeping through the night is a blessing. People will say we’re lucky, and I have to agree. She started sleeping through the night when she was 4 months. She only seems to have trouble when she’s either teething or sick. She does fight naps, though.
Still, this current stretch of insomnia is driving me nuts! I’ve had insomnia all my life. It was so bad in junior high that not only did my mom have to talk to the school’s dean (I was constantly late because I couldn’t wake up), but I went to a sleep clinic where all I remember is having to fill out a bubble sheet composed of something like 500 questions. My parents never took me back. In high school, I went around on about 3 hrs sleep a night and then crashed on weekends.
Now that I’ve had so many years of therapy, I realize that my childhood insomnia was primarily the result of monkey mind; my brain just would not shut up! I still suffer that, and lately it’s been terrible. So when you combine the monkey mind with constantly waking up because I now have Sienna and perhaps getting older, it’s not good in general. But these last 5-6 days, it’s been beyond horrible. Tossing and turning. Thinking a lot about death and the usual self-inflicted guilt trips and barbs about being a failure.
Why now? What is so on my mind that my ability to fall asleep is worse than ever??? I’d love to take melatonin every night, but I’m afraid to. I have a feeling my body will eventually adjust to it and it’ll lose its effect. Plus I always feel groggy the next day, and I hate that.
I guess all I can do is hope this stretch ends soon or maybe I somehow pinpoint what exactly is keeping me awake. All I know is I’m in desperate need of much more frequent visits from the Sandman.