What do you see when you look at this picture?
Do you see love? Beauty? Joy? Fatherhood? Childhood? Family? Fun?
I don’t know what I see anymore.
At first look I felt a rush of excitement and pride at the capture of a wonderful moment between me and my daughter. I couldn’t wait to share it with my family and friends. I remembered how enjoyable the shoot was: Sienna doing anything asked of her; tickling Sienna while gorgeous sounds of her giggles echoed throughout the room; playing our special “Sharknado” game (in which I pretend my hands are sharks while Sienna squeals in delight) in front of total strangers. She was so beautiful and happy that day. You can see it in her face. And I loved it every bit as much as she did. And I loved the photo. I even marveled at how they made it look like I’m not balding.
Then all of that joy was ripped from my heart and my soul crumpled like a tin can beneath someone’s foot. I can’t look at the picture without thinking of hatred, darkness hiding behind keyboards and computer screens, disgusting images and words. The comments. The comments crushed me into near oblivion.
The photo appeared on Instagram as part of Dove Men+Care’s “First Fatherhood Moments” campaign – a collection of shots of dads with their children that captured a moment of pure jubilance between a dad and his kid(s). To the right of our picture stood a quote: “Having kids teaches you to use your imagination again. Learn to see the world through their eyes – in every first discovery and experience.” – Lorne J. Care Makes Dad Stronger
And below that were the vicious, revolting attacks. Some complained simply because they didn’t want ads in their Instagram feeds and I get that, but you have to accept ads if you want free services. Others focused on race, how there’s no possible way Sienna could be my kid because she’s darker than I am. That’s pure ignorance and saddened me for the most part. But then there were the utterly vile, obscenity-laden, pornographic words about Sienna and I – things I planned to do to her sexually because of the tilt of my head and Sienna’s positioning – some directed specifically at my 3-year-old little girl. It was those odious, vulgar and downright nasty comments and their accompanying ghostly laughter that broke me – literally making me queasy and weak – and wrenched all sense of exultation from my body and my mind’s perception of the image. Just like that beauty morphed into salaciousness.
Still I shared the image on Facebook accompanied by a warning about the comments and the words, “I feel sick.” The response was overwhelmingly supportive and outraged. In the FB Dad Bloggers group, people remarked on the adorableness of the picture and offered the following advice:
“Never read comments. Never read comments. Never.”
“Dark side of social gives cowards a sense of courage.”
“F**k the trolls!”
“Ignore the nonsense. Some insignificant dbags on the Internet don’t matter in the grander scale of life. Some people are just out to be vile a-holes, it would have been on whatever picture they saw that day.”
“You can’t let idiots get you down. I know, easier said than done, but half of those comments are from kids thinking they’re funny and the rest are just Internet bottom feeders. Anyone that takes the time to post hate on something beautiful has a lot of problems and you (and your daughter) are not one of them.”
Some shared the Instagram link on their own pages. Others flooded the image’s comment section with positivity.
I thanked them for having my back, but still I felt horrible. I took Sienna to a play place to try to get away from things, but despite doing my best, the juxtaposition of the picture and the awful comments left me uneasy and unsteady. Then I received a deeply apologetic e-mail from Dove Men+Care informing me they were pulling the photo to protect Sienna and I from even more illicit, repulsive remarks (and to disassociate the brand from such negativity, of course, which I completely understood). They wanted to make sure I didn’t take it personally and noted people to contact in case I just needed to talk. Later in the day, I received a second e-mail from Dove Men+Care following up to make sure I was ok and again asking if I needed to talk to someone. I seriously doubt most corporations would act in a similar capacity and I thank Dove Men+Care for their, well, caring.
Still, the fact that they pulled the ad was like another punch in the gut even if I agreed with the move. I e-mailed my parents, sister, friends and therapist to tell them the picture was pulled and that I was upset. All told me that it wasn’t my fault, that I did nothing wrong, that it wasn’t a personal attack, that it’s a special picture and I needed to ignore these horrid comments.
I reported back to the Dad Bloggers group that Dove Men+Care pulled the picture. Some reported the worst perpetrators to Instagram. Others tracked down their names, addresses and phone numbers. They all suspected the commentators were JHS/HS punks and some wanted to contact their parents. I’m not sure if they did, but I appreciated the support nonetheless. And then Mike Tremoulet of Spoon and Knife nailed it and put a lot of things in perspective:
“here’s another angle: Play the numbers game a bit. Currently, there are 308 comments on the picture, according to my browser. A chunk of those are from dads like us who point out what a great picture this is. Another chunk are upset that Instagram is now inserting promoted pics/ads into their stream. That has nothing to do with your picture and everything to do with how Instagram works (and no, they’re not the worst commenters).
There’s one other statistic you aren’t as likely to see, so I’m going to put it in all caps here. THIRTY THREE AND A HALF **THOUSAND** PEOPLE LIKED YOUR PHOTO. Let me say that again. THIRTY THREE AND A HALF **THOUSAND**. These people didn’t just see the photo, they STOPPED AND TOOK THE TIME TO DOUBLE-TAP, OR PRESS THE HEART, AND LIKE YOUR PHOTO. If I’m shouting, it’s so that you hear this louder than the nasty commenters.
For comparison, I’m happy if any picture of mine gets more than 10 likes. 33.4 THOUSAND!”
That also means, if I round the numbers a bit and break out a calculator, LESS THAN HALF OF ONE PERCENT OF PEOPLE WHO SAW YOUR PHOTO HAD SOMETHING BAD TO SAY. **LESS THAN HALF OF ONE PERCENT!** I think it’s a very safe bet that any celebrity or public figure on this planet would ABSOLUTELY DREAM of having numbers like that.
You want a meaningless (though admittedly not quite equal) comparison? Barack Obama has about a 46% approval rating now. Congress, a 19% approval rating. (Gallup, both). YOU HAVE A 99.6% APPROVAL RATING! SHOUT THAT FROM THE ROOFTOP! NINETY NINE POINT SIX PERCENT APPROVAL!
Lorne, congratulations!!! You’ve had a viral moment, complete with the good and the bad. I’m sorry it’s had its rough parts, but I’m proud of you (and the picture is awesome, and your relationship with Sienna is inspiring.)
THIRTY THREE AND A HALF THOUSAND!!!”
What they WILL see if this picture. More importantly, what your daughter will see is this picture. She’ll see it today, and tomorrow, and in 15 years on her wedding day when it’s a part of the slideshow (if anyone still does those in 15 years). Maybe you print it out and put it in her room in a little frame. Maybe you make it the wallpaper on your phone so she sees it now whenever she grabs it to play Angry Birds.
What this picture represents is a complete, unadulterated good thing, and what the dozen or so vile commenters can’t hide is the fact that 33,400+ people saw your picture, saw the joy in your daughters face and the connection that the two of you have, and they liked what they saw.”
Jason
June 18, 2015 at 1:58pmIt is a beautiful picture of a father and daughter playing together. Trolls are that… trolls. Small minded jerks that have horrible lives and want to suck the life out of others. Don’t let it drain you. Thousands of people love your picture and the look on your daughter’s face says she loves you.
korey
June 20, 2015 at 3:54pmWow, my son in law plays with my grand aught error like that all the time. Sometimes she sits on his stomach other times she misses and sits on his face, she giggles and laughs with joy. He is so good with her, tender but a rougher play that she loves. She loves to be tossed in the air or flipped over and over. To someone else it would probably look abusive, but I know my son in law and my grand aught and there is not any fear of her father. Don’t worry about the world outside. You have a perfect world inside your own home. Just be a loving, funny goofy, strong, caring father and husband. Happy father’s day to you.
Jack
June 18, 2015 at 2:49pmIt is a beautiful picture and more people than not see that. Keep your chin up brother, we think you are a good dad.
Mike
June 18, 2015 at 3:14pmI’m glad my little rant could help you out. *I’m* still kind of reeling at those numbers. That’s awesome.
Put people in rings. The innermost ring are your closest friends and family, people you interact with on a near-daily basis. The next outer ring are the good friends you see every so often, or maybe keep up with primarily online. Third ring out are the acquaintances, people you’ve met once or twice and bump into occasionally. The final layer, outside all the rings, is everybody else in our 6+ billion person world.
(I dare you to actually sit down with a big piece of paper and write that out. Put names in the circles. It’s just for you, you don’t have to worry about whether you put somebody in the “right” circle or not, but try and list a bunch of examples of each.)
I guarantee you the following:
* Everybody in the inner ring will see the joy and hear the laughter in this photo.
* Everybody in the second ring will smile at your happiness and recall the last time you laughed together.
* Everybody in the third ring will grin and remember when they met you, or heard you talk, or that group outing.
* Anybody on the outside has *no* context for who you are, will only see a face on an image – which we’re hit with a thousand times in a day – and will project their own world and biases on the image.
We can only experience the world through our own viewpoint, the sum of our experiences. We can try to understand and identify with someone else’s, but we need context to do that. We’ve met in person a couple of times (so, btw, I’m naming myself to your third circle), which gives me a bit of context to understand your day. Your writing helps with that. Your worldview skews towards the negative, as you said above. But realize as you do that, that you end up giving more weight and power to the people on the outside rings and don’t take in enough of how the people in the inner rings react. And, since you’re basically never going to have to deal with the outer ring people again – I’m betting that if you actually wrote out your rings, you had to go look up names to put on the outer ring – then they don’t matter. Easier said than felt, I’m sure, but that’s a bit on why they don’t matter.
Laura
June 18, 2015 at 3:50pmThe trolls’ comments say so much about them, and nothing about you or the picture (and based on what some of them said, perhaps they should be investigated…). It’s an amazing picture, capturing a super great fun parenting moment. There will always be people who want to piss in your Wheaties, stay strong, be the power.
Mike Heenan
June 18, 2015 at 7:18pmSad but hardly shocking. Congratulations on the successful shoot and all of the love that the image is getting.
Jenn
June 18, 2015 at 9:37pmI see a beautiful photo of a precious, happy little girl and her father who she adores. I’m glad you were able to write about it to begin to let go of the hurt you’ve experienced from those horrible, vicious trolls. My two cents? Now that you got these feelings off your chest, do all you can to focus on the positive. And moving forward, don’t give any of the negativity fuel for the fires they start.
Wendy
June 18, 2015 at 11:31pmi am so sorry your heart went through this. The picture is a beautiful and joyful moment between a father and daughter. Every daughter should be so loved and cherished by her father.
Arielle
June 18, 2015 at 11:45pmIf anybody sees anything wrong with this picture, they are the problem and there is something wrong with them. I see an absolutely beautiful, loving picture. My daughter has never met her “dad” he didn’t want her , she will be 3 in September. I hope one day I meet somebody who loves her and looks at her the way you are looking at your daughter in this picture. I see nothing but joy, beauty and happiness. And of course most of all LOVE!! I am so sorry that for even one second these awful morons felt the need to turn something amazing and beautiful into something negative.
Lisa Prodorutti
June 18, 2015 at 11:54pmI would never have seen anything negative in that photo at all. It baffles me that anyone could. Please try to focus on the positive though! Like Laura said above, all that hatred and disturbing stuff says way more about those creatures than it does about you. Chuck Wendig did a great piece about the internet and comments. You should check it out: http://terribleminds.com/ramble/2015/04/21/dont-read-the-comments-comment-sections-are-our-own-fault/
Unfortunately we don’t always have the option to turn off comments but I really think all this social media and everyone being able to comment on everything and do it without any kind of consequences has gotten completely out of control. Honestly, it has become such a huge problem, there should probably be laws enacted. Not sure what those would be but people should be held accountable for things they say on social media. Somehow. I hate that people are able to say horrific things they would never think of uttering to someone’s face. Very disturbing.
Hang in there. You have that gorgeous, amazing daughter–a beautiful beacon of light in this dark world!
sara
June 19, 2015 at 12:39amWhat kind of weirdo looks at a sweet photo of a child and father and their mind instantly goes to the gutter? My children love when my husband swings them upside down like this. Your daughter has a look of pure joy on her face. Don’t let them get to you, this was a beautiful moment captured on film.
M
June 19, 2015 at 2:51amThe pic is just beautiful! Do not let “them” have power over what you and the rest of us know to be the truth. I feel very, very sorry for these pathetic beings; they will never know or experience pure wholesome love and affection. Don’t let them mar the happy memories…we cannot give them that power over us!!!
Ashley Beolens
June 19, 2015 at 8:20amDude that is a beautiful photo that clearly shows the joy you and your daughter share, it is a sad indictment of the internet age that scumbags like the trolls get a voice.
Karen G
June 19, 2015 at 8:22amI found this blog post through another blogger dad who also did the Dove shoot (Joseph and Mason!) I have tell you that not once did I see anything wrong with this picture. My son loves to be flipped upside down and we would be in this exact type of pose and I wouldn’t have thought a thing about it being vulgar or nasty. This is an absolutely beautiful picture and I think it should be celebrated. I think you should hang it up so your entire family can see it. So that its beauty can be enjoyed. In this world today, people like to hide behind those screens and say things that they never would have said to your face. Thank you for being another man that celebrates and engages his child(children). In today’s world that isn’t found nearly enough. I think you should celebrate this picture and the love that is in your child’s eyes and in yours! Apparently 33 thousand people saw it! 🙂
Rachel Mastropiero
June 19, 2015 at 8:46amIt is such a beautiful picture. All I see is pure love and joy. Don’t let anyone take that away from you.
Violet
June 19, 2015 at 9:18amThe anonymity for the internet has brought out the worst in people. All I see is a beautiful moment between a father and his daughter. Please, please, please don’t take those idiots seriously. They don’t deserve your energy.
Erin M
June 19, 2015 at 9:44amWhat a fun picture…exactly the kind I would love to catch of my hubby and our 3 year old daughter….but I yell at him when he hangs her or swings her lol. Seriously…good job daddy 🙂
Renee
June 19, 2015 at 10:05amWhat a wonderful, beautiful photo! I am so sorry you have had to suffer from thoughtless idiots.
Mayra Connerton
June 19, 2015 at 10:22amthe picture is beautiful. The love between father and daughter. I see nothing else. Except maybe to beautiful curls on your daughter’s head. I’m jealous! LoL
Shira
June 19, 2015 at 10:40amI think it’s a beautiful picture of a dad and his daughter! People on the internet can be a*&holes!
Alisha
June 19, 2015 at 12:27pmI absolutely relate to what you’ve felt and experienced here. And I know the lump in the throat, gut wrenching terror that comes over your entire being as you read the trolling and hatred. It’s nice to focus on the positives, such as the thousands of likes the photo received. Yet it’s so easy to slip into a destructive mentality, wishing you had never posted to begin with or better yet, wishing you could just turn invisible….anything but being under a microscope of hatred.
My daughter is involved in a hobby that she loves and looks forward to. It’s not a popular hobby by any means as it’s been under public scrutiny since several shows portrayed it in the worst light possible. I am referring to child beauty pageants. Please don’t think I’m an evil, pushy mother….I’m not. I support her love for the hobby and I have seen the benefits in her life and development. I am not here to debate pageantry with anyone. I am here to expose an evil side to it that relates to your post.
There are several message boards dedicated to pageants where grown adults congregate to bash, ridicule, threaten, and destroy children and their parents. Everything is done anonymously so there is no legal recourse. It’s awful because when you’re reading absolutely horrendous things about yourself, your family, and your friends, it’s easy to narrow down where the bashing is coming from but there is never definitive proof. The constant ridicule beats you down, makes you question anyone and everyone you meet, as well as their motives. For me personally, it makes me want to shrivel up into a little ball and disappear. I am thankful that my daughter as well as your daughter are too young to read the comments about them and about us as parents. It is heartbreaking to think of the torment young people face these days at the hands of social media jerks. The internet makes monsters out of cowards.
Here is the site I deal with: http://www.voy.com/219913/
I’ve sought legal counsel more than once. At this point I’m having to just deal with it……every single day…..for years now.
I will be thinking of you and your struggle. Be proud. Your daughter is blessed beyond measure to have such a dedicated, loving father.
Janet
June 19, 2015 at 12:48pmYou have a beautiful little girl, who anyone can see is having a fabulous time with her Daddy, having their pictures taken together. I know she is going to shower you with love and affection this fathers day. May you and her have a wonderful day together.
Nick Edwards
June 19, 2015 at 12:56pmA beautiful picture of a beautiful moment. There is more love in that single picture then any anonymous troll could hope to know. No one should ever be able to take that away from you
Meg
June 19, 2015 at 1:08pmLorne, your photo is gorgeous. I’m so sorry you had to experience so much vitriol about something as beautiful as this fun moment you got to share with Sienna. I hope that as the years pass and you someday look back at this photo, you’ll be able to remember the fun and the joy you and she shared, and that the disgusting responses on social media will have faded from your memory like a bad dream. You are a good dad, and you deserve the happy memories from a beautiful day you shared with your amazing daughter.
Hilly
June 19, 2015 at 1:28pmFirst of all, it’s a beautiful photo. Second, screw the haters and the idiots. There are some gross people out there. Lastly, here’s my story:
Recently I took to twitter to tell a grocery store how offended I was by one of their commercials (they made moms look like all they do is talk about saving money on groceries and shoes). I also tagged my company in it. Someone at that grocery store took issue with my comment and wrote an email to my CEO demanding that I be fired. FIRED! Because I complained about one of your commercials? He could have taken the high road and asked “what offended you so much?” but, instead, he was evil and demanded that I become unemployed. I have two small kids. Thanks, dude, for being rude. My kids and I will NEVER walk into this grocery store EVER. They lost a customer and will never get her back. And I spend A LOT of money at the grocery store. Idiots like that shouldn’t be allowed to use the internet.
Erin
June 19, 2015 at 1:29pmI am so sorry for any negative comments! Your daughter looks beautiful and so full of joy! And you look like a father truly enjoying the moment with your daughter. I come from a home of paternal molestation and when I saw your picture, that is NOT what came to my mind. Joy came to my mind. I love seeing photos or real life situations where fathers have a healthy and joyful relationship with their children. You and your daughter are blessings to each other, treasure that and have pity on anyone who may be so warped to try and pervert your photograph.
Donna George
June 19, 2015 at 1:35pmWhen I look at that photo, what I see in your daughter’s face is trust. She obviously loves you and trusts you completely. The mom in me wants to say Don’t drop her! That’s my major reaction, I see nothing sexual or perverted about it. I think it’s awesome that you have formed such a positive bond with your little beauty.
Lisa
June 19, 2015 at 1:59pmDon’t let those who are unhappy in their own lives take away the joy in yours. It is a beautiful picture and the negativity of others can not change that.
To quote Dr. Seuss “Those who mind don’t matter and those who matter don’t mind”
red
June 19, 2015 at 1:59pmLaura is right.
All of those terrible and flat out disgusting comments are a reflection of their own thoughts and personal demons. They just poured their foul comments out through their keyboards to make themselves feel a tiny bit better.
Illegitimi non carborundum.
Leila
June 19, 2015 at 2:20pmI am so, so sorry that people said such hurtful and hate filled things about you and your daughter. I thought the picture was cute. It was fun and showed such a positive, fun, loving relationship between you and your daughter. Not every father has that relationship with their daughter and not every daughter (or child) has that relationship with their father.
To those who made those nasty remarks, my heart hurts for them and their kids. That tells me that (a) they were sexually abused, (b) they have sexually abused themselves, or (c) they are those over protective, ‘helicopter parent’ is an understatement type parent that won’t let their kids enjoy life as children and allow zero chance of freedom and fun. NONE of which is your fault or anything you can do.
There was positive in all of this and like you, I would never have seen it. I would have focused on the negative, but please do not let those hateful people who hide behind a keyboard and focus on ruining other people to make them feel better, get you down. While that small handful can ruin such a beautiful thing, know that you have such huge support from people who don’t even know you. 33.5K is definitely nothing to scoff at!!
Fatherhood on Friday: The State of the World’s Fathers
June 19, 2015 at 2:38pm[…] development with its related Instagram campaign. Lorne Jaffe of Raising Sienna writes here about dealing with trollish commenters, and his message is ultimately very affirming. Because you […]
Leslea
June 19, 2015 at 4:45pmFABULOUS photo! Beautiful child, no bald spot noted. My only suggestion is this should hang over the little girl’s bed so she will always know how much her daddy loves her.
Just remember misery loves company. Trolls are miserable. There are millions of little girls that would love a daddy to take the time to do that photo with them. Bravo!
Kittie
June 19, 2015 at 5:03pmI’m a ruminator, norhing ever leaves me but on the bright side I hang on the good as well as the bad. The sting fades more than joy, though, so you will reclaim this moment, this photo. It seems your daughter was not old enough to read along as the comments appeared. This is something to be truly grateful for. I do wish this had never happened to you but perhaps having this moment now will leave you better prepared for those inevitable moments in her future where she has her own (hopefully much less impacting) disappointments on social media to deal with?
Judy Whale
June 19, 2015 at 7:22pmThe smile on your sweet daughter’s face shows the trust, love & joy that she feels. That’s all that matters. 🙂 God bless you and your family.
Trisha Haas
June 19, 2015 at 7:30pmI was on that campaign from a blogger perspective- I want to say when I look at your picture, I only saw a good dad- no a GREAT dad.
What I saw reminds me of my own husband….a rambunctious bit of fun and silliness where our kids are all over him and he is diving in and out of the way while he tickles them. I am so glad you captured this moment on film.
Georgia Read
June 19, 2015 at 8:51pmDear Lorne: You don’t know me but I’m the mother of Canadian Dad… I never write on these sites but today just has to be noted. That picture of you and your beautiful daughter is amazing please don’t let anyone cast doubt on that. Frame it..hang it..post it..whatever you feel right doing.
Hold your head up high and look at the pure joy on her face and yours..not sure Dove did the right thing by pulling the ad but I can’t second guess them and I’m sure they were just trying to protect you and your daughter from the idiots in the world. It is a beautiful picture full of love and joy..
Take Care…Georgia Read
Elisia
June 19, 2015 at 9:28pmI’ve typed and deleted probably a dozen things that I wanted to say to be supportive and encouraging, but they all fell flat in print. So, as requested, I’ll share a story.
When I was ten, I got a 110 film camera for my birthday. (Geez, dating myself here!) I snapped pictures of my family doing silly things because, in my young mind, that was the best use of my precious, limited film. One shot that came back from the developer was my brother and Dad after a wrestling match. They were red-faced and sweaty and tired, as one would expect after a tussle. But what I also remember is my parents not letting me put it in my photo album because “someone could get the wrong idea.” When I finally understood the subtext, I was pretty confused. I understood what they were saying, but it was just my Dad and my brother pretending to be Hulk Hogan and Andre the Giant; surely this was obvious, right?
All this to say, you are not alone. But you already know that. And that is a picture of the two of you is one that can be treasured as a snapshot of joy. But deep down, you already know that, too.
Heather
June 19, 2015 at 9:58pmThis photo is beautiful and depicts the love between a father and daughter. I am currently pregnant and this photo and the obvious love emanating from it makes me so excited for my daughter’s arrival. I’m sorry that these nasty people took this lovely moment away from both you and your daughter.
Catherine
June 19, 2015 at 10:45pmI love this picture, and I love what Mike Tremoulet had to say. You may well be drawn to negativity but in this case, it’s not you. I worked for Congress for ten years and I was struck often by the likes/comments phenomenon he alludes to. My boss could post something and get 200 “likes” and 10 comments, 7 of which were negative. But simply by virtue of the space they take up, the comments carried a lot more emotional weight and visual impact. I appreciate that a lot of news stories have taken to hiding story comments behind an additional link so that the (presumably) fact-checked and verified news piece has more weight than the crackpot comments.
As for this picture, don’t just look at it. Look at it with Sienna. If she’s anything like the 3-year-olds in my life, she’ll love seeing a picture of herself. You’ll ask her if she remembers when you guys took the picture. You’ll say, remember when I tickled you like this? You’ll launch into another tickling attack. She’ll laugh. You’ll see the picture through her eyes. And it’ll help.
Colleen
June 20, 2015 at 8:59amLorne, I’m in tears. Here’s what I see. Or rather what your photo meant for me. It reminded me of the amazing connection I have always had with my Dad call the way back to my childhood. I’m a Dady’s girl. Always was. Always will be. I enjoyed what used to be called “horseplay” with my Dad. He used to “send me to the moon”. That was where I would bend over and put my arms between my legs, he would grab them from behind and flip me over, basically summersauting me in the air. (I can imagine what the trolls and do gooders would think of that!)
I cherish those memories more than I can express. And your photo brought a flood of them back to me.
Thank you.
It was a much needed flood of memories, thankfulness, a reminder of a tender and beautiful relationship.
Here’s why I needed it so much. So much today.
On April 2 my Mom passed away after a long battle with cancer. My Dad was her caregiver through the whole ordeal. He had survived prostate cancer 6 years earlier. Dad is a jovial and upbeat person, but I know he suffers from depression, he just never talked about. Ever. And he never sought treatment. Between his battle with cancer and Mom’s gruelling two year battle, somewhere in there “Dad”, the essence of Dad slipped away.
Now we didn’t abandon my parents through this. In fact through the whole thing I was down once a week, sometimes for a day, sometime for several days at a time. We talked daily. I did everything I could. But the process still had an impact.
For the last two months I have been my Dad’s sole caregiver. After Mom passed we realized that Dad couldn’t live on his own. I moved into my parents house. I dug through everything. It felt so invasive and so horrible. My brother helped me as we decluttered the house, packed up their belongings and either gave them to charity or -gasp- took them to the dump. Words can not express my sorrow at disassembling a lifetime worth of possessions. It was disheartening. I started to resent my Dad. It’s unfair. And I worked against it. None of this was his doing. And I know that. But the feeling still popped up from time to time.
Dad now lives in a retirement home a 15 minute walk from me. We see each other daily. In fact today will be the first time in weeks that we won’t see each other. My husband has taken me up north. To relax by the water and decompress a little.
It’s been hard to watch my Dad up close these last few months. To see the changes in him. Morn the loss of my Mom and the loss of that spark in Dad.
I needed to be reminded of the good times.
I needed memories from the past.
Your picture. You and Sienna. It was a gift to me. A much needed gift.
And for that, I thank you. And I thank the trolls. Because without their comments I wouldn’t have seen your picture. It wouldn’t have been shared on my Facebook this morning. I would have missed it. And I needed it.
I dearly needed to see your photo.
Thank you.
Heather Descarie
June 20, 2015 at 9:04amHello,
I have never responded to a blog before, nor social media pictures. But I just read your story and although I am very sorry for the negativity you have gone through, I am elated at that picture. I did see it on the Dove ad before it got pulled, and loved it. As a single mother, will admit the thought crossed my mind, why can’t I find a dedicated dad like that. Your picture with your daughter is beautiful, the joy exuded from both of you is catching and quickly after seeing it, held my son the same way. Threw him around like a rag doll, because that is what kids like. There is always a tiny voice in the back of my mind every time I post a pic of the two of us about whether others will see the joy I feel or see something dark. However, I choose to ignore often and try my best to make my son’s smile light up my life, the room and the world. Thank you for sharing your story. I’m sorry you had to go through that, but I am so happy you have decided you to share the photo as it certainly brings me joy and many others. Best of luck!
jen
June 20, 2015 at 10:10amBEAUTIFUL PHOTO, full of fun, joy, and love!
Comments from trolls hiding behind screens definitely reflect on them, not you.
SFW
June 22, 2015 at 12:53pmMy first thought was “my daughter has those same shoes”. My second thought was “I would die for her curls”. Keep sharing this beautiful, loving, silly, fun, joyful photo – you deserve to cherish this beautiful moment.
Lori
June 22, 2015 at 4:05pmWhat a stunning picture of your gorgeous daughter and what a fabulous memory of a wonderful day you spent together. I’m sorry the trolls were determined to sour that for you.
I hope the ick part of the memories fades and you can enjoy the good memories again.
Kris
June 23, 2015 at 2:27amSocial media can really suck. I have to be careful, very careful. My sister and mom will freak out if they see things I might share (me:my blood sugar dropped to 30 today, I’m ok. sister: OMG, do you need me to come down and stay with you, do you need me to order a med button for you?–I am just 50 and have been a diabetic for over 30 years) The ONE thing I saw when I looked at this great photo? Silver. So, immediately I thought, WAY COOL, dad made his kid duct tape suspenders!!!!! Thank you for sharing your story and yeah, add me to your likes!
Jess B.
June 23, 2015 at 10:05amHi,
You don’t know me. And normally I wouldn’t post, it’s just not me. But I was so moved by your story. It is so easy to get dragged into the negative, not just in situations like this, but also more generally. You do something great at work but can’t stop to celebrate because you have twenty more things dragging at you.
We as a society NEED pictures like this. And I’ll tell you why. Because what I saw when I looked at that picture was a BEAUTIFUL HAPPY GIRL playing with her father. Did I notice her skin color? no. Did I see a predator? no. What I saw made me smile because of the pure joy in both of your faces.
I hope that all the positives will slowly smother out the negatives and that you will again be able to see in this picture what the rest of us see. Best wishes.
Simone
June 23, 2015 at 9:26pmLorne
I understand your feelings. I posted my daughter’s homebirth on youtube, as a generous act, I believed, of showing what natural birth looked like for parents-to-be. I am naked in the video, showing parts of myself in a very exposing way. I honestly thought it would only be viewed by expecting parents or birth professionals. Boy, was I naive!
I learned, as you have, there is a seedier side of life that went to depths my innocent mind could not even have conceived of.
I expected some people to disagree with my birth choice and to be nasty, after all I have read comments on social media before. But I didn’t expect to receive death threats, be told my children should be taken away from me and be reported to authorities. Worse were the people talking about child pornography because my 2yo is in the video. Even worse, I learned there were men out there, bored with pornography, who found physical gratification jacking off to a birthing woman, who liked to tell me about it.
This was what I largely received, surrounding one of the most precious and sacred events of my life – the birth of my daughter.
As others have expressed to you, and which I know to be completely true: each person’s comment is a reflection of that person and that person only. None of the comments have anything to do with you, even the good ones. Whilst it is wonderful to receive the positive, beautiful comments and they surely help steady us in the midst of all the negative ones, the only thing you can ultimately come back to is YOU – who you are – and who you and Sienna were in the moment of the photo shoot. That moment was pure and wonderful for you, as you described in your opening paragraph. Nothing anyone else says, no matter how good or bad, means anything because THEY WEREN’T THERE AND THEY ARE NOT YOU! Only you and Sienna were there and only you and Sienna know the truth of that moment because you were the ones having the direct experience.
Mike’s generous words helped bring you a bigger context and we need that sometimes, friends or others who can give us a perspective that helps expand our thinking. He gave you a great gift.
What I really want to say though, because I went through this myself and felt very much as you described, is to not dismiss your feelings of adulteration as “prone to negative thinking and depression all my life”. You had an experience of the loss of innocence, one of the most precious things we have in life. All of us experience, at some point, in some way, a loss of innocence and naivety. It is painful. What is even more painful is when it is around our children.
You have every right to be upset and disturbed by the vulgar, obscene and evil comments. You would not be human, let alone a protective, loving father if these comments did not deeply disturb you. Of course you were saddened and sickened by these comments. What you are experiencing, beneath everything you have described, is a first hand experience of real fear – the kind of fear we try and avoid but are still aware of, ESPECIALLY once we have children. Fear of the loss of innocence, fear of perversion of purity, beauty and good.
Do not write off your reaction so easily as being “super-magnetically drawn to negative thoughts”. This is not an ordinary case. Underneath your sadness and feeling deflated, is the realisation there are some really foul, deeply dangerous, threatening people out there who do sick things to small children. By no means do we need to dwell on this. All I am saying is, you came in direct line of some of those people who think (if not act) like that and your reaction is not because there is something “wrong” with you (negative thoughts, depression) – your reaction is because every part of you could feel the wrongness of what they were projecting. You’re entitled to every feeling you had and, if I were to guess, there is also a lot of anger and protectiveness underneath the feelings you described above.
I know you will find your way back to your fun, loving, spacious, joyous self with Sienna, just as you were in the photo shoot. And the way there is to allow and acknowledge ALL of your feelings. You are growing out of your old “depression” and know what you need to support you (especially surrounding yourself with so many encouraging people). You will be a lot wiser and more compassionate with yourself, more loving and stronger for the experience. You will have so much more to offer your daughter as you help her how to navigate the depths of her being and the extraordinary lives we live, with all that life brings to us – healthy and unhealthy.
With love
Simone
Becster
June 24, 2015 at 5:01amIt is such a beautiful photo! The love between you and Sienna is palpable! I cannot believe the comments that you had on such a gorgeous photo! I know it’s easier said than done but really, ignore the negativity!
Lorne Jaffe
June 29, 2015 at 11:11amI just want to thank everyone who’s commented and wrote such wonderful things. I’d love to reply individually, but I’m having a hard time accepting all of this positivity. The depressive part of my brain screams that I don’t deserve it so I get a bit anxious when trying to respond. I want you to know that I’ve copied every comment and plan to print them out and hang them next to the picture. I’m hoping I can use your words to kill the image inside my head of that horrible comment right next to Sienna and that one day I’ll be able to look at the picture and see it for what it is. Thank you so much. You have no idea what all of this support means to me
Lianne
July 8, 2015 at 1:55pmI see a beautifully shot image of a daughter feeling safe, happy and loved in her proud fathers arms!! I think its an absolutely lovely photo and Im shocked and sickened that you received such vile comments by low life idiots. A fantastically written post!! Lots of love to you and your daughter!!
Lorne Jaffe
July 12, 2015 at 5:15pmThank you so much, Lianne. I really appreciate the support
Al Ferguson
July 9, 2015 at 7:59amI know I’ve already commented on this one but i’m glad to see it linked up here to #bigftalinky
I hope that one day you can push that negativity aside and just see it with the positivity we all see.
Craig
July 17, 2015 at 5:46pmAlright, so I’ve got some things to say about all this. I hope it gives a different perspective. A warning: I’m blunt, but it’s out of love (and my knowledge as a counselor about child development and mental health. There is that part).
All my comments below revolve around this: it isn’t all about you.
1. I looked at the picture before reading your post and wondered “What could people find wrong with this? I don’t get it.” One of my daughter’s favorite things to do is to ‘jump’ up (with me pulled her up by her hands) and land on my chest and flip upside down, ending in the exact same position as you and your little girl. So I guess, in a way, I’m going to share the burden of some of those comments, because they apply to every dad who does this with his little girl. Hope you’re okay with sharing. This article might pop into my head next time I play like this with my daughter. Those trolls? F*ck ’em, I’m still going to play with her. Why? See number 2.
2. Some factoids: girls with an involved father are less likely to engage in risk taking behavior later in life, including using drugs and getting pregnant as a teen. Rough and tumble play with dad builds confidence. She learns about her body and what it can do. Activities that give kids enjoyment and a small rush of fear encourages risk taking and lessens the likelihood that they’ll develop a phobia. Good things, if you ask me. So, those trolls? F*ck ’em. They can say things that rip our hearts out and make us lose sleep. But, years from now we’ll have confident daughters that can stand up for themselves and follow their dreams. Is that worth my feeling like sh*t for a little while? Yeah. Why? ‘Cause it isn’t about me.
3. She’s smiling in the picture. She loves her dad. She knows he’s there for her and won’t let her fall. She trusts him. This is a bigger deal than confidence, my friend. It gives a hint at a healthy attachment. This is the foundation on which the rest of our lives is built. Because she trusts you, there is stability in the world. She learns to regulate her emotions and form healthy relationships. It’s a big deal. Is it worth us feeling like sh*t for a while that our daughters benefit from this? F*ck yeah, it is. Those trolls? F*ck ’em.
Lorne, I get it. It’s like getting kicked in the gut. But for all the good that picture represents, I’m sure you’d take another kick in the gut to keep all the good going. Why? Because it isn’t about you. Or me. It’s about our girls and the young women they’ll become.
I hope you keep swinging your little girl upside down. She’ll keep reaping the benefits and you’ll eventually get past this. I imagine you’ve heard phrase “as if.” Act ‘as I’d this doesn’t bother you and, after long enough, it probably won’t.
And those trolls? F*ck ’em.
Lorne Jaffe
July 27, 2015 at 10:31amThanks for such a great comment, Craig. I’m not going to change how I play with my daughter. That will never happen. I’m just trying to disassociate the troll comments from the picture so I can enjoy it. I’ve never really been able to say “F*ck ’em” but I’m working on it. Thanks for such a thoughtful comment!
Amy M.
July 18, 2015 at 4:00amI *LOVE* this picture!! It shows a dad who clearly loves his daughter and she clearly loves him right back! I also love this photo because it reminds me of my husband and how much he loves our children. He would do something as silly as this as well!! I absolutely detest people who hide behind their computers and send out angry/threatening missives; messages that they would never say to someone’s face. That’s why the rest of us need to rally, and I hope you see people have, to shut down this harassment.
Lorne Jaffe
July 27, 2015 at 10:33amThank you so much, Amy! I’ve definitely seen people rally and I’ve copied every comment so I can read them over and over. That’s the plan. Get the picture framed and hang all of the comments right next to it to remind me not to ignore the trolls
sinicka
July 18, 2015 at 8:18amIt is a beautiful picture and a really gorgeous little girl! People with bad comments obviosuly need some teraphy, to see something vulgar in this pic you have to have twisted mind, I can only see joy 😀
Lorne Jaffe
July 27, 2015 at 10:33amThanks so much, sinicka!
Don’t Feed the Trolls | Sleeping on the Edge
October 7, 2015 at 10:03am[…] would find a person living with depression and make obscene comments about a picture of him playing with his young daughter. Trolls would read about a woman accusing a […]