“I’ll Take Things That Leave Me Tongue-Tied for $1000, Alex”

Question: “So what did you do before you were a full-time stay-at-home dad?”

Answer: “Hamana-hamana-hamana!“

I hate that question. I never know how to answer it because I’m embarrassed by my work history and eventually I feel the need to disclose that I had a nervous breakdown. I really wish people didn’t consider work so important or such a categorical thing. It’s hard enough for me to have to internally battle the irrational definition of success that I’ve lived with most of my life without also having to deal with the feeling that I’m then going to be judged by those who ask me about my past work. It’s something I dread each time I meet someone new.

Today we were supposed to have a NYC Dads Group meetup at Fort Totten which has a nice playground and soccer field and is located close to the Throgs Neck Bridge. It’s a rarity that there’s a meetup in Queens, and this one had 7 other dads going including the event coordinator. I didn’t RSVP for the event until this morning because Sienna has been getting over a cold, so I wanted to make sure she was healthy enough to go; I didn’t want her to infect anyone else. Anyway, I got to Fort Totten and discovered that the event coordinator couldn’t make it, but the meetup was still on. I flushed with anxiety immediately because the event coordinator was the only person I knew who was going to be there. I debated going home, but decided to try and get through the meetup. I stood at the entrance to the park for 20 minutes and then posted a couple of messages, but no one responded. I finally headed to the playground in hopes of finding someone.

I let Sienna loose and stood around hoping for another dad to show up. I posted a pic (the same pic at the top of this entry) on FB and noted that I was anxious and indeed I was. Finally a guy came up to me and asked if I was with the Dads Group. Whew! At least one other person showed up! He told me his name and introduced me to his adorable 4-yr-old daughter. Then came the dreaded questions: “What do you do?” “Where did you work before becoming a stay-at-home dad?” Despite hearing them so often, these questions always stop me in my tracks. I become very vague. I worked in film for awhile. I worked in administration. Inside my stomach churns and pure disgust runs through my blood vessels. The thought, “You were supposed to be something!” flattens me. I feebly mention I have a masters in media studies. And then I know I’m going to tell about my nervous breakdown. It’s almost like a crutch sometimes – an excuse for why I failed in the work world. And then it’s, “My goal is to write.” It’s almost always the same, and it’s a reason why I rarely talk to anyone about work. If you ask me what my friends do for a living, I can only give you hazy descriptions because I really don’t know and I don’t talk to them about it. Talking to people about work reinforces my self-deluded belief that I’ve failed in life, and sometimes, not even looking at Sienna can get me out of it.

Today, luckily, the other dad, after I brought up the breakdown, mentioned he suffers from social anxiety despite being a fireman. That gave us something in common, at least. From there I concentrated on the kids. As I mentioned, his daughter was adorable and liked trying to help Sienna at the playground. Sienna had a great time climbing up and down the stairs and going down the slide. Still, I was shaky from not just the lack of people who showed up, but from the work question, and eventually I had to leave. It’s been hours and the feeling’s still with me. My therapist tells me not to listen to my feelings because they’re almost always irrational. She’s right, but I can’t seem to push them away.

Somehow I need to loosen this hold work has on me, I just don’t know how to do it…yet.

Insomnia update – still going on. Taking melatonin every night. I hope this ends soon.