I haven’t watched Family Guy in years, but when I read that this past Sunday’s episode included the death of Brian, the Griffin family’s much loved talking dog, the show succeeded in getting me to ponder how I’ll deal with such a crisis now that I’m a parent and how I’ll explain the death of a pet to Sienna.
If you’re an animal lover, especially of cats and dogs, pets become members of the family and thus their deaths can be brutal. I remember a girl in elementary school coming in positively grief-stricken because her cat had been hit by a car. Yesterday she happened to post a picture of her latest cat who had died the previous year. Elaine got a cat tattoo when, while in college, she learned of her pet’s death. She said she cried for days. She then followed that up with another tattoo, this one of the cat’s name, Sam.
I grew up in home filled with animals (not all at the same time) – a dog, cats, gerbils, hamsters, salamanders, lizards, turtles, fish, birds, a guinea pig (pray that you never have to hear the blood-curdling screeches of a guinea pig having a stroke), even a fiddler crab that decided to climb out of its tank and somehow made it down the stairs before realizing it was a fiddler crab and needed to be in water. There was a lot of death, but none so impactful as the loss of our dog and our cats. Peanuts, our only dog, was adopted before I was born and lived 13 years. I think she died when I was 10 or so. I remember my mom bawling outside the vet’s office when we put her to sleep, but I cannot recall how she explained it to me. My dad misses her every day (he’s not a cat person).
We adopted our first cat when I was around 4. I named him Twinkles. (Hey! I told you was 4! Besides, he was rechristened “Fat” because as an indoor/outdoor cat, he decided to go down the street for food and then come home and eat some more. He weighed more than 30 pounds!). I don’t remember how long he lived, but I was hysterical when he was found dead near our neighbor’s house. Timothy, our next next cat, lived about 13 years and into my 20s. He developed kidney failure and we kept him going on IVs for months because he wasn’t in pain. My mom still keeps pictures of Timothy and her next cat, the late Ferris, on the fridge.
For me, the sudden death of my cat, Zeeb, at age 9, was completely traumatic. I was in my mid-30s when it happened. He was diagnosed with cancer and went within weeks. Overnight he went blind and the awful wails when he tried to jump on the bed but jumped in the wrong direction and missed still ring in my ears at times. It took me a month to throw out his chair and after doing so I developed unexplained migraines. They went away when Elaine mentioned the connection between their onset and me throwing out the chair, but it wasn’t long after that that I had my severe nervous breakdown. You see, Zeeb was intuitive and got me through some terrible times. He knew when I was feeling down. He’d climb on me and purr almost immediately. That type of unconditional love is amazing and I guess his death pushed me to the psychological brink. I didn’t break until a little while later, but that’s not relevant to this blog.
Sienna’s growing up with two cats – Zeeb’s brother, Gleeb (14) and Minky (4). Cats can live 20 years or more so it’s possible Gleeb will be around when Sienna’s 6 or 7. Minky, who shares the same intuition Zeeb possessed, will hopefully live a lot longer. I have no idea how I’ll explain their deaths (or my own devastation) to Sienna. I guess a lot will depend on her age. Do I go the “we took him to a farm” route? Do I explain life and death to her? Do we hold a formal funeral like they did on The Cosby Show when Rudy’s goldfish died? Will Sienna forget quickly or cry for days? Will Elaine and I cry for days? I guess we’ll face it as a family when the time comes. For now it’s all about teaching Sienna how to treat, love and play with Gleeb and Minky. For now it’s all about their being a big part of our little family.
One thing I do know – there will be no sitcom-style “must find an identical replacement” antics.
Sienna playing with Minky
Nick
November 27, 2013 at 11:32amGreat post, Lorne! Love the connection between Family Guy killing off Brian and how you’d handle telling a kid that their pet died. I’ve been thinking about the same thing. My wife and I have had a dog since before we were married, and he’s now 8. My 2-year-old daughter loves him, and I’ve been wondering just what I’m going to tell her when he finally does pass. It sure as hell won’t be easy, that’s for sure.
Lorne Jaffe
November 27, 2013 at 7:35pmThanks, Nick! It’s amazing that I never really thought about it until I read about the Family Guy ep! Sienna’s only 20 months, but she’s already calling Minky, “Diiiiinky!” I dread having to deal with the reality of this, but I like what osodani wrote about how the empathy his kids showed his pet helped him get through it. That’s something I never considered. Sometimes children are more adult than adults
osodani
November 27, 2013 at 11:54amWhen our beloved dog Max died last year, our sons were 8 and 4 years old. Max had been slowly deteriorating, so our oldest son knew what was happening and was able to process it. I’ll never forget how he said goodbye to Max when he had to leave for school the day that we decided to put Max to sleep. Brings tears to my eyes every time.
Since our youngest was 4 and had seen the deaths of a few pet fish, he understood death. It was the perfect time to explain to him what was happening and why Max had to die.
Of course, I was beyond inconsolable that day but the empathy my children showed to Max, and to me in the days that followed, helped get me through it. It was an important teaching moment for all of us.
Lorne Jaffe
November 27, 2013 at 7:40pmThanks, osodani! You know, I never considered the empathy angle. I think it’s wonderful your kids were able to help you through what is always an incredibly tough time, and I’m glad that it wound up being an important teaching moment for all of you. Maybe getting Sienna some goldfish when she’s around 3 will help her understand such a deep moment in life. I really hope Sienna will be there for me when we have to let the cats go because I’m pretty sure I’ll be a wreck
M
November 27, 2013 at 2:20pmLosing a dear family pet is devastating no matter how old we are (with the exception of toddlers possibly; we really don’t know for sure do we. We parents stay strong around the kids but when they’re not around…oh boy! My son was very young when we lost our beloved cat, so though he sees her pictures (our mousepad has her pic), and listens to the stories, he’s totally detached because he doesn’t remember. It’s a mixed blessing for me. He’s not sad, but he doesn’t remember how sweet and gentle this cat was to him even though she was a crazy cat with everyone else!
I have to say I’ve seen family pets mourn other family pets too. My friend lost one or her two dalmatians a couple of years ago, and her surviving dalmatian was inconsolable. She wouldn’t eat or play or want to do anything. They took her to the vet and the only conclusion the vet came up with was that she was mourning her sister’s death. It took a lot of tlc to help her get through it.
I have another friend whose little dog I have grown very attached to and when I hear my friend say that her little dog’s getting older and having more aches and pains, I just cringe at the thought of losing her. And she’s not even my dog!
I don’t think there’s a perfect formula for explaining death or mourning to our children; you just take it one day at a time, do our best and hopefully as parents, teach our children love and compassion for animals in general and genuine sympathy for those that lose their loved family pets in the process.
Through our loving stories of our cat, our son developed a deep compassion for animals, all creatures great and small! Try telling a kid that the “bug” he wants to keep/rescue is the kind that you have to exterminate!!;)
Lorne Jaffe
November 27, 2013 at 7:43pmThanks, M! Definitely right when it comes to age factor. If we were to lose one of the cats now, there’s no way Sienna would remember. But at 5-6-7 I’m sure she would. You’re also dead on (no pun intended) about pets mourning each other. That happened to us when we lost Zeeb. Gleeb wouldn’t stop howling. As soon as we got Minky, the howls stopped. I definitely hope Sienna develops as deep a compassion for animals as you, me, and your son have
Oren
November 29, 2013 at 10:05pmI believe kids can teach us a lot about taking things the way they are, without the need to lie. We put our dog down recently (I wrote about it here), and I told the kids the truth. The truth is sad, but that’s OK. Kids can be sad sometimes.
That’s all I said: The dog was old, and she was suffering, and now she was dead. We will always remember her, and we’ll always try to be worthy of her love for us.
Lorne Jaffe
November 30, 2013 at 8:58amThanks, Oren, and for the link to your blog. It was beautifully written and I made sure to say so. Your dogs made it to 17 and 18? You were so lucky in that regard! What I wouldn’t have given for Zeeb to live past 9. 9 is terribly young for a cat and I think that played a tremendous role in my devastation. I’m glad you told the kids the truth and that the overwhelming response is that it’s ok to tell Sienna about death when we eventually lose Gleeb and Minky. When we do I’ll make sure to re-read your blog as well as the comments to mine, but let’s hope it’s not for a long time.
Anne
December 11, 2013 at 8:24amJust read your article and found it very moving.
I’ve studied the impact of grieving on children (when they move abroad) but the process is the same when they lose a pet.
This is what I found:
A popular belief says that children don’t grieve like adults. Even when there is a death in the family, they can keep on playing. They may cry for a moment and carry on regular activities shortly thereafter. This comes from the fact that children are living more in the present compared to adults who are more time conscious according to psychologist John Bowlby. Because children don’t externally exhibit the stigma of sadness or despair in such a pronounced way, we assume that grief in childhood is short-lived. That’s wrong. Children grieve. It’s a mistake to believe that they’re insensitive and forgetful. From 4 years old and onwards, Bowlby concludes that “they mourn in similar ways to adults”.
If their grief is not recognized and acknowledged, children might suffer later on from unresolved grief. This can result in behavioral problems ranging from anxiety, guilt, excessive anger to self-destructive patterns, substance abuse and school difficulties. Children may actually give up connecting with others. When they become adults and still haven’t solved their grief, they may face severe depression and/or relationships problems.
So when a pet dies, grieving is inevitable. What does “healthy grieving” mean?
* First, accepting that a change has occurred in your external world and
* Second that you’re required to make corresponding changes in your internal world to reorganize your attachment behavior accordingly.
In all this process, the behavior of adults is key. It’s important that they give accurate information to children and use clear wording (NOT metaphors like “your dog is now sleeping forever or your dog is now with the angels”).
As mentioned by Osodani, it’s a unique opportunity to learn how to deal with loss. And learning to grieve in a healthy way is a lifelong skill and a precious gift we can give to our children.
– See more at: http://expatriateconnection.com/moving-abroad-7-things-your-child-needs-to-hear-you-say/#sthash.jvv67WMw.dpuf
Lorne Jaffe
December 11, 2013 at 7:22pmThank you for the compliment, Anne, and for the info as well as the link. I def agree w/ the 4 yrs old and on thing in regards to other emotions besides grief (as that happened to me and led to clinical depression and anxiety disorder), so I have no doubt that children grieve and should do so in a healthy way. Will def check out the link!