The best thing about Easter for us non-Easter-celebrating folk is when it’s over and drugstores slash prices on holiday-related things. Yesterday I stopped by CVS, went through their 75% items, and came home with something I thought my 2-year-old daughter would go bananas over – a yellow plastic cylinder like the base of a flashlight with clear egg-shaped top made to look like a bee. When you press a button, the insides of the egg spin causing lights to flash and the whole thing to buzz and quiver. The toy cost 62 cents or approximately what it cost to make. Sienna squealed with glee and I smiled because I’d made my daughter happy.
Ear!” she shouted, eyes gleaming with fascination at this new sensation tickling her skin. She pressed the buzzing bee to her earlobe. “Nose! Arm! Elbow! Head!”
“Wait until your bedroom’s dark,” I said excitedly. “It’ll light up blue and green and yellow and red! Do you like how it vibrates?” And then my innocently meant words hit me in an entirely differently context. I looked at the shape of the thing. The bzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz sound echoed in my ears. Face-palm.
Sienna with her new “toy”
To all you new or soon-to-be parents out there, this isn’t an abnormal thing. You’re all going to say something really simple only to do a double take with your partner as it sinks in that you’ve said a simple phrase you’ve happened to associate with Skinemaxian entertainment for the past decade or two. At first you’ll blush. Then you’ll giggle. Soon you and your partner will race to say, “That’s what she/he said!” And finally, as your child gets older and you and your partner try not to laugh at what one of you just said, you’re just going to do the old face-palm. So I present to you the 7 funniest phrases (plus one bonus Q&A that had my wife and I on the floor) I’ve said to of about my daughter that when taken out of context, means something entirely different in the bedroom.:
1) “Do you like how it vibrates?”
See above
2) “Please swallow!” and “Don’t spit! Swallow!”
The first time I said this I literally cringed until I caught my wife’s eye and saw her trying so hard not to laugh. Then I just laughed along and went with it.
3) “The girl was so wet, she was dripping.”
Ah those fluctuating pre-air conditioner spring days when you put your kid down for a nap and discover her all sweaty and disgusting because her room was about 80 degrees.
4) “You need to suck harder.”
Teaching my daughter how to use a straw. My wife beat me to “That’s what he said!”
5) “She’s so cute, I just want to eat her.”
Can’t remember when or why I said it, but does it matter? When those words come out of your mouth, translate into adult connotations, and you realize you’re talking about your daughter? *shiver*
6) “Did you just put that whole thing in your mouth?!”
After Sienna gobbled an entire string cheese without chewing forcing her cheeks to look like she’d been gathering nuts for the winter
7) “Stop playing with your balls!”
Doesn’t really apply to a girl, but it still generated a sideways look between my wife and I. You parents of boys are sure to love saying that one for the first time!
BONUS!
One thing you new and soon-to-be parents might not know is that kids sometimes take time to learn how to use their tongues correctly (face-palm) meaning that the letter L often gives them trouble. Hence, I bring you the following interaction that had my wife and I doubled over with laughter as our daughter stood with such gloriously and proud and pure look on her face:
Me: “Sienna, what do you want for dinner?”
Sienna, pointing at the wall clock: “C*ck”
What can us parents do but cackle?
Chris Bernholdt
May 13, 2014 at 9:25pmLMAO! I often think about what my neighbors are thinking when I am teaching my girls how to properly blow bubbles in the yard. “Don’t put your lips on it. No, blow it, don’t suck it in” Great post!
Lorne Jaffe
May 13, 2014 at 10:12pmLOL! Thanks, Chris! It really is tough for us dads sometimes 🙂
Lorne Jaffe
May 14, 2014 at 3:22pmBlowing bubbles and sucking through straws. Just no way around it! Thanks so much, Chris!
MVS
May 13, 2014 at 11:54pmMy best friend’s 2-year-old is hilarious when she says the word “kitty.” And she ADORES them. She’s always saying things like “Hello Titty!” And “Look at those cute little titties!” It’s so hard for me not to crack up!!!
Lorne Jaffe
May 14, 2014 at 3:21pmLOL! That is friggin’ hilarious!
Nicole
May 15, 2014 at 12:01amMy cousin wanted a “Hello Kitty” bra when she was about 3, but she said “Hello Titty.” Taking a 3 year old shopping for a hello titty bra definitely tops my list of favorite stories about her, especially because she’s a teenager now.
Lorne Jaffe
May 15, 2014 at 11:57amThat’s hysterical, Nicole! I can’t wait to share the “c*ck” story w/ Sienna’s boyfriends! Wait, no…that would be a bad idea 😉 Glad you enjoyed the blog!
Required Reading: Lorne Jaffe’s 7 Unintentionally Dirty Things I’ve Said to My Kid
May 14, 2014 at 10:21am[…] you self-identify with any of the above, then you might just find Lorne Jaffe’s 7 Unintentionally Dirty Things I’ve Said to My Kid the funniest damn thing on the internet right now. I’m talking, spit out your drink across the […]
Jack
May 14, 2014 at 10:32amMade me laugh. I didn’t know what to with myself when I first said similar things to my daughter. It is just doh!
Lorne Jaffe
May 14, 2014 at 3:21pmThanks, Jack! I think “D’oh!” sums it up perfectly 🙂
Justin
May 14, 2014 at 10:34amFantastic and hilarious read Lorne! I have often found my wife staring at me holding back a laugh as I say something to the kids that sounds really bad haha.
Great job buddy.
Lorne Jaffe
May 14, 2014 at 3:20pmThanks so much, Justin! Really is amazing how many times we have stifle laughs!
Concretin Nik
May 14, 2014 at 10:37amHA! Good stuff. This happened just yesterday…
TheBoy (in the background over and over): “Ott. Whore.”
Me(to HisMother)*whispering*: Why is he saying whore?
Her: He’s writing “author.” (Aut… hor… as he’s writing.)
Lorne Jaffe
May 14, 2014 at 3:19pmThat’s awesome, Nik! Thanks for the compliment and sharing the anecdote!
M. Adams
May 14, 2014 at 10:54amLmao, done many of these!
Lorne Jaffe
May 14, 2014 at 3:22pmThanks, M. Adams!
Nick Browne
May 14, 2014 at 11:34amLorne this had me in tears! Great post, man! Reminded me of the time I told my 3-year old daughter to “get off the pole!” when she was trying to swing on our standing lamp. I immediately said to myself “I’ll take ‘things I NEVER want to say to my daughters again’, Alex.”
Lorne Jaffe
May 14, 2014 at 3:27pmThanks so much, Nick! I’ve said the pole thing too lol. We just can’t win 😉
TONIA L. CLARK
May 14, 2014 at 3:20pmI’m at a loss for anything witty that I’ve said to my kids in the past, but I’m fairly certain I’ve inadvertently said something completely out of context in another parallel dirty minded non-parental universe.
The hard part is not laughing too hard after the fact or otherwise your tween will say “What’s so funny? I don’t get it?” and of course you wonder if you should reply with “You’ll understand when you’re older” or “Never mind, it’s not important.” or the “What? Who? What are we talking about? Hey did you see that bird?” the ever famous parental changing the subject line verbiage.
Lorne Jaffe
May 14, 2014 at 3:29pmExactly, Tonia! It was easy when he was little, but now that’s she’s getting up there and repeating things, we really have to struggle not to laugh or if we do, it’s like, “Hey, you want to see/hear ‘Let It Go’?” and BOOM…minefield averted 🙂
Larry
May 14, 2014 at 7:17pmSome good laughs here. Thanks Lorne. It’s also making me think of things I said to my own kids that could be misinterpreted.
I also could make a list of things they said that could be thought of in a dirty way
Lorne Jaffe
May 15, 2014 at 11:54amThanks so much, Larry!
Jessica
May 15, 2014 at 4:51amWhat is really funny. If your child is a fan of toy story. I can’t count how many times I have told one of my boys to let go of the others ‘Woody’.
“Michael, give Jonathan back his Woody!”
“Jonathan, don’t pull on your Woody like that!”
🙂
Lorne Jaffe
May 15, 2014 at 11:55amJessica, that’s awesome! Thanks for sharing!
Chris wray
May 15, 2014 at 5:27amYou dirty girl. Just sounds so wrong now
Lorne Jaffe
May 15, 2014 at 11:55amLOL!
Ave
May 15, 2014 at 2:14pmLOL this made me giggle 😀 Was teaching my daughter to rinse her mouth after brushing her teeth… She was keen on swallowing and I had to keep telling her not to swallow, but to spit it out. Her dad came to the bathroom, only to smirk and say:” That’s where it all starts!” Dammit.
“Stop biting it, u gotta suck it” – Eating lollipops…
“Don’t bite, lick it” – Eating ice cream…
Lorne Jaffe
May 15, 2014 at 10:05pmThanks so much, Ave! Love the brushing teeth story! I’m gonna have to deal w/ that one soon! And glad you and your husband both get the humor in this 🙂
Belinda
May 15, 2014 at 3:52pmHilarious, laughing hard – all the way from downunder. Thank you
Lorne Jaffe
May 15, 2014 at 10:04pmThanks so much, Belinda!
Meg
May 15, 2014 at 5:03pmMy 8 yr old over uses “jerk”, a few weeks ago I got fed up and blurted out, “say jerk on more time and I’ll jerk you!” face palm, with my childhood best friend trying not to pee his pants…..
Lorne Jaffe
May 15, 2014 at 10:04pmThat’s awesome, meg! lol
Christian Toto
April 14, 2015 at 12:24amGreat post! I’ve caught myself a few times with similar phrases. Sometimes I just chuckle to myself if the Mrs. isn’t around. Or, I’ll throw out a double entendre knowing my boys won’t get it quite yet. I know that window will soon close! I also realize they repeat stuff all the time … so I better be careful.
Lorne Jaffe
May 27, 2015 at 7:33pmThanks, Christian! I think it’s hysterical just how bizarre some things sound when you speak them to your kids. I almost feel like someone’s going to chastise me for saying something dirty even though there’s nothing dirty about it!