A couple of appointments ago, Sienna’s pediatrician told me to never just say, “No!”, and instead to try to reason with her which set off an insane amount of anxiety and future guilt when I did just say “No!” out of frustration. I think our pediatrician is great. He’s caring, funny, competent, has listened to my fears and feelings of isolation, and even set me up on a sort of “date” w/ another stay-at-home dad who was struggling w/ similar issues, but sometimes, when he’s rushed, he can generalize sparking my inner turmoil (“No more bottle!” instead of “Ease her off the bottle”) and causing Elaine, my parents, my friends, and my therapist, to have to calm me down so that I understand not to take his words literally.
This was not the first time I’ve heard of this parenting strategy. When Elaine was pregnant, we both read Bringing Up Bébé: One American Mother Discovers the Wisdom of French Parenting by Pamela Druckerman, an American journalist who had a baby while living in Paris, and within, Druckerman discusses how French parents tend not to say, “No!” and instead reason with their children even at a very young age. We both thought it was a great idea and had planned to incorporate that and other Parisian childrearing trends that Druckerman suggests leads to better child behavior into our own parenting styles, but now, 15+ months later, it seems near impossible – at least on a continual basis.
The Parisian style is one held by nearly an entire culture and is reinforced by government-subsidized neighborhood daycare centers in which children learn manners, have 3 or 4 course meals in which they get to taste all different things, and generally experience things simultaneously. Therefore, children immediately become part of the lifestyle. Here in America, parents face an uphill battle. Not everyone can afford daycare. Those that can sometimes find that their rambunctious kids wind up with inadequate caretakers which can lead to even worse behavior.
We’re of the “can’t afford daycare” clan; I’m with Sienna the majority of the time and thus am currently her primary teacher, and there are only so many times I can follow a “No!” with reasoning. For example, in trying to teach Sienna not to throw things on the floor, I’ll say, “No floor, Sienna. Dropping food on the floor is a dirty and rude habit and makes things difficult for Daddy. If you don’t like something, please give it to Daddy.” Then I’ll shorten it to “No floor, Sienna.” And then, “No floor!” and finally, after saying all of those things multiple times, I’ll become exasperated and simply say, “No!” That’s when I tend to get her attention.
My anxiety and guilt about saying, “No!” have decreased greatly since that appointment with Sienna’s pediatrician. There are so many things Sienna does and touches that she needs to learn not to do or touch that it’s overwhelming, and each day, the lessons need to be re-taught. I’ll continue to explain to Sienna the reasons why she shouldn’t do or touch certain things and hope that she’ll one day understand and change her behavior, but in my opinion, taking “No!” out of the equation just doesn’t work in American culture. And I shouldn’t feel guilty about that.