A Father’s Day Roller Coaster

I don’t usually buy into so-called “Hallmark” holidays. Elaine and I don’t celebrate Valentine’s Day, we don’t buy each other cards, and this year she bought herself a Mother’s Day gift and told me how much money I had to work with for Father’s Day (she still got special treatment on the day, of course), but this year the pressure of the “specialness” of Father’s Day got to me.

On Father’s Day Eve, Elaine said that she’d slipped, injured her shoulder, and had taken a painkiller. Immediately I knew I’d be the one getting up early to take care of Sienna…just like every other day. Just as immediately, an annoyance began to roil my stomach. I knew it wasn’t her fault – bad luck is all – but I couldn’t help feeling gypped.

The following morning, as expected, I awoke early to change, feed, and play with Sienna who for some reason chose that time to act extra needy and whiny. It was the last thing I needed. My stomach was still churning and as I flipped through Facebook and saw all the Father’s Day thanks and the memorable and exciting things people had planned, anxiety rushed through my system and my mind began pinballing with negative thoughts causing chest pain. In other words, I fell into my and the depressed/anxiety sufferer’s normal, dangerous trap of comparing oneself of to others.

After hours of dealing w/ a bratty Sienna, Elaine awoke and I told her I needed some time alone. I headed to the bedroom to read and quickly fell asleep. Elaine came in after she’d put Sienna down for her nap and told me she’d taken care of lunch and given her a bath. I was appreciative, but I was also sad and anxious, especially upon reawakening (at 4…the two of us fell asleep) and realizing Father’s Day was slipping away from me w/out anything standing out to mark a celebration of my “dad-ness” or “dad-ocity.”

My parents had mentioned the previous day that if we were around, we could all go out to dinner, but I wasn’t in the mood. I felt a great need to be free of Sienna (guilt) and to laugh. I wanted to see “This is the End” which I’d heard was uproariously funny, but it being after 4, we were kind of limited since we had to make sure my parents were agreeable to babysit (no dinner w/ my dad on Father’s Day – more guilt) and we had to find an early enough showing. Elaine took over, found a workable showtime, called my parents and made the arrangements. When we dropped Sienna off, I told my mom how I was feeling, that she could see it on my face, and that my dad was fine with it because I’d spent plenty of time with them the previous day (still didn’t assuage my guilt).

Still, the deed was done and we went to the movies where I began to loosen up and as the film brutally satirized its stars and the laughs piled up, I felt my anxiety ease. After the film, we stopped off at Carvel to get a small cake where the owner told us that they sold more cakes on Father’s Day than on Mother’s Day because “Mothers get taken out to dinner. Dads get cake.” I had to laugh at that.

We got back to my parents’ place and divvied up the cake. As we were eating it, Sienna suddenly looked straight at me and said, “Dada!” This had NEVER happened before and we all sat stunned for a beat. She didn’t say it again, but it didn’t matter…all the annoyance, all the anxiety, all the comparisons to others flew out the window as I realized I’d just gotten the best Father’s Day gift I could have possibly received. And now it’s my job to take that into my heart, burn it into my brain, and remember it on every single subsequent Father’s Day that follows. Talk about a roller coaster of a day!