A Glimpse into My Anxious Mind Part 2: Pee is for Panic

Ok. Where was I? Here’s what I last wrote: “My mind was already in a bad place. A week of debating. The decision. The trek. The weather. The song. Not being able to find anyone. Discovering 2 of the people I knew weren’t coming. Things were set up.”

Sienna had just peed all over her stroller. I couldn’t find paper towels in the bathroom. My monkey mind was on a blitzkreig. And I had severe chest pain. My friend, Kanye, was telling me not to worry about it. It’s just pee. Come on into the “Water Lab” and get wet (no irony there). So I listened. I brought Sienna into the park and the water was FREEZING! My mind continued jabbering. “You weren’t prepared! There’s pee all over the stroller! You neglected to bring a change of clothes for yourself! There’s pee all over the stroller! You wore sneakers and socks, you idiot! There’s pee all over the stroller! You just can’t do anything right! You have to get the blog perfect! It has to be short! There’s pee all over the stroller!“

I fought back as best as I could. I told Kanye I should have worn a bathing suit and he laughed and agreed. Sienna seemed overwhelmed by the crowd and the cold water. She clung to me. I tired to get her to play with Kanye’s daughter, South, but Sienna wasn’t having any of it. Kanye gave her a pail, but she wasn’t interested. I tried taking a pic with my iPhone to stop the chatter in my head and the pressure in my chest, but it was just making me more anxious because I couldn’t get a good shot and my phone was getting wet. Internally I was yelling at myself for being so stupid in exposing my phone to all this water, but I had to – I had to get THE SHOT, which I did manage to get.

It’s a nice pic. Sienna looks happy, but I think it has more to do with my phone than where she was. Once I brought out my phone, she started grabbing for it, so I think the pic’s deceiving, though you can see the enormous crowd.

Kanye picked up Sienna and remarked on how light she was. He was smiling when he said it and meant absolutely no harm, but he unwittingly increased my anxiety because now I started thinking about how much I was failing when it came to getting Sienna to eat. I told Kanye that she wasn’t eating and he said that that’s what toddlers do. That’s what everyone says and I try to listen to it, but when she fights me at breakfast, lunch, and dinner…when I keep trying new foods and she refuses them, I feel (there’s that word again) like I’m doing something wrong.

After about 25 minutes, Kanye said he was heading out and this is where panic truly set in. I know so because my facial tic started going and I began to stutter a bit, both leftovers from my recent nervous breakdown that only show up when my anxiety level is through the roof. Kanye must have really known something was up (and he admitted this later on when he told me that he saw my facial expression change when I came back from the bathroom). He asked if I’d like to join him at his apartment. We’d feed the kids and relax a bit. I knew I couldn’t drive home in this state and I immediately agreed, though once again, the bad part of my brain attacked me for not being able to take care of my own daughter.

We changed and dried the kids, got our cars from the garage, and headed to Kanye’s apartment. It was a fairly quick drive during which I kept trying to breathe…just breathe…telling myself to calm down while clutching my chest. We got to the building and I said to Kanye that I can’t understand how he’s so calm about everything and asked how he does it. “Years and years of therapy,” he replied, jovially. This stunned me. Positively stunned me. Turns out Kanye suffers from depression too. His mother tried to commit suicide when he was young. He still takes antidepressants. He said his life turned around when South entered it. He loves his job as a stay-at-home dad and takes everything in stride, no matter how messy it is. He told me I have to stop comparing myself to people and that while he’s hard on himself, he’s never seen anyone harder on themselves than me. Once again I discovered that the book is much deeper than the cover. Comparing myself to others is one of my biggest problems. I tell myself not to, but it’s almost automatic. I told Kanye that not only do I compare myself to him, but I feel dwarfed by another friend of ours and member of the Dads Group (let’s call him Shaq – why the hell not?), because not only is a great father, but he’s passionate about his job which is in a creative field, he’s doing creative things on his own that could wind up being extremely successful, and he’s an exercise nut. Kanye told me that comparing myself to Shaq is ridiculous, that no one has his energy and drive. He’s one in a million (and in my head I’m thinking I’M SUPPOSED TO BE THAT ONE IN A MILLION AND I CAN’T EVEN GET THIS BLOG TO THE POINT OF WORLDWIDE SUCCESS – talk about irrationality. I just started the blog, right?).

We fed our daughters and talked. Kanye then sprayed the stroller with Nature’s Miracle, so now I know what to use should Sienna ever pee all over the place again. Once we were done, Kanye asked if I was ok and I said I was. He gave me a strong hug – very, very strong – and told me to call him should I need anything. I cannot thank Kanye enough for what he did for me. He’s a wonderful person and friend. I wish we lived closer to each other. He’ll be having his second kid sometime within the next few weeks and I know he’s nervous, yet excited. He’s already a great dad. Now he’s going to be a great dad times two.

The panic was gone. My chest still hurt, but my anxiety had decreased. I wanted to cry out of shame, but I wouldn’t. I wanted to go home and sleep and that’s what I did. We drove home and I put Sienna in her crib despite the fact that she’d slept during the car ride. I had to get some sleep because I was running on fumes. One of the after-effects of an anxiety or panic attack is extreme fatigue. I used to sleep for a day or two after an attack. Now I’m down to a few hours. My therapist says that’s progress, and she’s probably right.

Dinner didn’t go so well. Sienna fought me resulting in a flare of anxiety. I did my best. I fed and entertained her while I counted the minutes until Elaine came home. Once she did, Elaine took over. I felt I had to write something because I’d promised myself I’d blog every other day. Elaine told me not to, but I HAD to get something up, so I put up a picture of Sienna with a little blurb about what was going on. Everyone says it’s my blog and I can post whatever I want be it an anecdote, an analysis, a pic, and link, whatever. I felt guilty for only posting a pic. Elaine put Sienna down and then held me for a long time, telling me I’m a good dad and a good person while listening to me talk about the day’s events. I took a melatonin and went to sleep.

I woke up the following morning feeling antsy and hollow. I had a phone session with my therapist in the morning during which I relayed all that had happened and like always, she told me I have to step back from myself and breathe and like always, I told her that things happen so friggin’ fast that I can’t (“Yet,” she said. “You can’t YET.”). Once that chest pain happens, I spin out of control even if I try to breathe. The session left me more anxious and it lasted throughout the day. My monkey mind was relentless. Sienna pointed to the door, babbled, and made the “more” sign. She did the same with the stroller. She wanted to go out, but I couldn’t do it. I felt awash in guilt, again counting the hours, minutes, seconds until Elaine got home. People wrote to me on FB, e-mail, etc., but I didn’t feel strong enough to answer them. I didn’t feel like I DESERVED their compliments and reassurances. I don’t remember much more of yesterday. I recall I tried blogging, but I couldn’t do it. Once Elaine got home, she again took over and I again felt guilty. She told me we’re in a partnership. I help her, she helps me. I protested. She shushed me. I love my wife. I adore her. I’m the luckiest guy on the planet.

Today I felt a bit stronger and was able to get part one of this blog out of my system even though Sienna had refused most of breakfast and I was a bit agitated. Once I’d posted the blog, I took Sienna out for a walk. We went to see my insurance guy because my car insurance needs to be renewed soon and I’m going to switch. He’s such a nice person. He too told me not to worry about toddlers being toddlers (he has 2 young kids). He’s given me such advice before. He played with Sienna while he did his work, and I was a little better. We then went bought some food and headed home. Sienna actually ate her lunch and I put her down for a nap. Then I immediately sat down at the computer to get part 2 of this blog out of my system.

I want it out for a couple of reasons: 1) I can read it, see how my mind works, and try to improve my fighting ability and 2) I can show fellow anxiety and monkey mind sufferers that they are not alone.

You are not alone…and neither am I. We are not Sisyphus. We roll our boulders uphill, reach a ledge, rest, maybe backslide a bit, but then start rolling again. We may not realize it, but that’s what we do. As hard as it is for us to believe the boulder’s not going to come crashing down once we reach the top. We can have bad episodes, but out of those bad episodes, great friendships can arise. We learn people love us, even if we can’t quite understand it. Understanding it doesn’t matter. We need to just accept it and move forward, use it to kill or at least quiet the damn monkey. And that’s what I’m doing by writing this blog.

And I can hear my therapist telling me not to forget to write that I’m proud of myself, so I will.

I’M PROUD OF MYSELF