Last night, a group of us from the NYC Dads Group went to see an advanced screening of “The Wolverine,” and I can tell you without really spoiling anything that the X-Men fav, Logan, escapes the story safe and sound. I can also tell you that movie is kind of meh, but it’s a gazillion times better than the garbage that was “Wolverine: Origins.” I wasn’t surprised by Wolverine living or the movie being just ok, but I WAS stunned by the amount of security surrounding the screening. They forced us to give up our phones, iPads, etc, and then used some sort of electronics sweeper to make sure we weren’t carrying anything into the theater (of course, they had no problem with me bringing in my Swiss army knife!). Anyway, That’s something the screening team should publicize, especially for something like a dads group whose members might need to be in contact w/ babysitters, significant others, etc. It’s no fault of the Dads Group or the theater – strictly the screening team – but it did mar the experience for some group members.

What was more shocking was what a couple of dads told me at the theater: they don’t just read my blog, but they think it’s good. I didn’t know what to say. These compliments came out of nowhere, and they did cause some anxiety because I don’t know how to handle good things said about me. My therapist always tells me to just accept them, but I have trouble with that. It all comes down to self-worth and I’ve still yet (again using “yet”) to reach the point where I can just say, “Thanks so much” without feeling weird and confused.

This also happened the same day when the NYC Dads Group shared a list of 10 must-read dad blogs according to Out With The Kids. I couldn’t even look at the list because I knew mine wasn’t on it. Instantly I felt pangs of failure despite the reality that my blog is new on the scene. Once again my brain went to the extreme – I HAVE to be successful with this blog – That my blog hasn’t been recognized by media outlets means I’m no good – blah, blah blah. I’m not sure how, but I was able to overcome these self-inflicted daggers, though if asked, I can’t explain how.

I have no idea how many people actually read this blog. I have no idea if it’s gone beyond friends and family. I have no idea how many of my friends and family actually read it. Which brings me back to the compliments from these two dads group members. Both commented on how well it’s written (I still think my writing sucks). One said to keep at it because I’m putting stuff out there that will help others suffering from similar doubts, anxieties, depression, etc. The other said that my blog’s inspired him to get back to writing. WHAT??? I’m INSPIRING someone?? How can that be? I don’t know if they knew this, but I was close to tears.

People are reading this thing and they think it’s good. My therapist’s voice is whispering to just accept it. I’m trying. I really am. For now I give an awkward thanks to my readers (I can’t believe I just wrote “my readers”). I am positively stunned.

Elaine’s been in Vegas for nearing on two days now and all’s been well. Saturday evening, Sienna and I went to my parents’ house for dinner. They’d just returned from a cruise of Iceland and Norway and it was about midnight for them, but they were nice enough to have us over to help with my anxiety over feeling alone with Sienna. They also said that if they weren’t too jet-lagged, they’d be glad to watch Sienna the following day; they’d missed their granddaughter terribly.

Yesterday morning, my mom called and told me I could bring Sienna over whenever I wanted. I had an internal struggle with this. On one hand, I’d be giving myself that break I so desperately wanted and talked about not having in my last post. On the other irrational hand, I felt like a bad parent, dumping my kid off because I couldn’t handle her alone. It took a lot of power for me to push aside that ridiculous latter thought, but I did. I brought Sienna to my parents’ house and took myself to a rather eclectic double feature of The Conjuring and Monsters University. Meanwhile, my dad took Sienna to a nearby park, gave her lunch, and put her down for her nap. My mom then came home and the two of them played with her and then gave her dinner.

The double feature helped me feel rather free, and I’m happy to say I didn’t experience any guilt. That’s a rarity for me. When I got back to my parents’, I found a very happy Sienna and some eggplant parm awaitng me. Sienna ran up and hugged my legs. That made me feel great! After dinner, we went home, I gave Sienna a bath, her bedtime bottle, and put her down. The only problem I had was falling asleep myself. I’ve had to take melatonin the last two nights because absurd thoughts have been zooming and rebounding through my head. Unfortunately it makes me groggy the next day, but it has to be done; better that than no sleep.

One other problem. My dad’s coming down with a cold so I’m praying Sienna doesn’t get sick. I’ll even pray to Xenu if it’ll do the trick (sorry..I’m currently reading Going Clear: Scientology, Hollywood and the Prison of Belief by Pulitzer Prize-winning writer, Lawrence Wright…man, if even one tenth of what Wright’s account of the rise of Scientology and his investigation of its behind-the-scenes goings-on is true then this is one of the scariest organizations in existence).

So…so far, so good. A big thanks to my parents and a big pat on the back to myself for not letting my anxiety mar my decision-making. Also, a big thanks to my sister-in-law for her very caring and supportive message 🙂

And Xenu? No colds, please!

Sienna’s too busy “texting” to let Daddy finish dressing her on 7/20/13, her 16-mo bday

Elaine just walked out the door, on her way to the airport to spend 4 days of fun and possibly Mike Tyson-related adventures in Las Vegas with a couple of her friends. That means it’s just Sienna and I. For 4 days and 4 nights. Just my daughter and I. My chest feels like concrete and has since last night.

This is in no way meant to make Elaine feel guilty. Last night, when I was losing it, she offered to cut her trip short and I outright refused. She deserves a great vacation, something filled with excitement,  relaxation, and lack of worry. So if/when you read this, wife of mine, know that it’s for me and I’m writing just to let my feelings pour from my fingers rather than my eyes.

I was napping and Sienna was in her crib when Elaine came home from work in a mad rush to meet her car service (she convinced me last night not to drive her to airport because I was already starting to lose it a bit – tic started going as I began to realize how anxious I was about her leaving). I saw her for maybe 8 minutes and I was half asleep which didn’t give me time to break down. At the same time, Elaine decided not go in and see Sienna because she was afraid she (Elaine) would start crying. I can’t blame her.

After Elaine left, I walked into the bedroom and saw things scattered all over the bed. The apartment immediately felt empty, despite Sienna talking to herself in her room down the hall. I noticed our cat, Minky, was under the bed, and so I lay on my stomach to fish him out. Instead I wound up tightly holding onto him, trying not think about if I’ll be able to handle these next 4 days.

I’ll get a reprieve here or there. My parents are coincidentally returning from a cruise today, right around the same time Elaine’s plane is due to leave. They’ll probably be tired and it might take them a little while to return to our time zone, but I know they’re dying to see Sienna and if they can, will gladly watch her tomorrow or at least have us over for a bit. Then they’ll both return to work, though my mom’s office is across the street from our apartment. I’m almost positive I won’t get a night to myself as Elaine did when I went to Tampa to visit one of my best friends a few months ago. I haven’t talked to my parents about it, though. I’m sure they’ll do what they can to help, but my brain isn’t all rational right now as evidenced by the pain in my chest.

I miss my wife like crazy despite her barely being away, and not just because I’m terrified of being alone with Sienna both day and night for 4 consecutive days. She is the love of my life and my rock. I might be able to talk to others if I have a crisis, but no one can hold and calm me like she can. What happens if I have a panic attack sometime during Elaine’s trip? Who will hug me and talk me down? I’ll have to rely on the techniques taught by my therapist and advised by friends more than ever. I hope I can implement them correctly. I hope I can breathe.

Metaphorically, as I neared the end of this blog, Minky threw up all over the table, right in front of Sienna. I jumped up and ran to the kitchen for paper towels and Lysol wipes, but Sienna, being a toddler, was too quick; she was finger-painting in Minky’s vomit by the time I returned. I told myself to breathe, cleaned the mess, and washed Sienna’s hands with both soap and Purell. Does Minky’s action portend these next 4 days will be messy or does my reaction to it, my ability to competently handle the situation, foreshadow me getting through Elaine’s vacation with strength? Despite my inclination, I’m going to go with the latter. Now if I can just tell my chest that.

This week has been oppressively hot in New York, so much so that I’ve been extra afraid to take Sienna outside and have thus missed out on a few NY Dads Group meetups in which I would I have liked to participate. More than one person has told me NOT to take Sienna out at all. Elaine took her for a short walk earlier in the week and came back drenched with our poor daughter sweaty, parched, and crying. And yet I see all these people taking their kids for strolls and/or to play while Sienna and I have been holed up in our apartment for five days, the AC running nonstop.

Part of the problem is that Sienna refuses to drink water (even when she went on that walk with Elaine); we also tried Pedialyte and cold tea but those were similarly rebuffed. If she’s not going to replenish her fluids, what can I do? Still I feel guilty over this and wonder if the strategy of keeping her out of this incessant heat has been smart or selfish.

To go to the Dads Group meetups, we would have had to walk to the Long Island Railroad station, taken an air-conditioned train into Manhattan, and then subways to our destinations. If aboveground is reaching near 100 degrees, I can’t imagine what the subway platforms were like, especially when you add in the heat from the people en masse. It’s certainly not something I wanted to deal with, but I would have done it if people hadn’t told me not to take her outside (therefore making me extra nervous about it) and if she actually drank water like a normal kid…or is refusing water normal? I have no frame of reference. Most of the meetups were outside, so that would have been draining. And then there would have been the return trips. Not fun.

The one time I took her outside was Wednesday evening when I met up with some college friends who, while on a roadtrip of amusement parks for their kids, stopped by Queens for dinner. It was around 6:30 pm when we left the apartment, so I think it had dipped below 90, though I’m not sure. Since Sienna was exposed to the elements for maybe a half-hour total broken up by air-conditioned car rides and restaurant meals, I figured it’d be ok, but even then I was nervous, and to be honest, the block and a half walk to the car left me soaked. Still, I hadn’t seen my friends and their kids in so long and Sienna and I had been cooped up for days during which her favorite times seemed to come when I let her run up and down the hallway, that there was no question I’d be taking her out. In the end, we both had a good time, and since it was late enough, Elaine was able to meet us at the restaurant on her way home from work.

Regardless, I feel like I’ve robbed Sienna a bit, like I plucked away a week of summer by forcing her to stay inside. Guilt is a very dangerous component of anxiety. Actually, let me change that – guilt is anxiety’s cohort in that they work together in a blissful symbiotic relationship. They feed each other and in turn feed upon the mind of the anxious. My daughter will be turn 16 months tomorrow, so it’s not like she’ll remember this week of heat-related captivity. Why am I torturing myself? Elaine said keeping her inside was the right decision. So did others. How many people have to say the same before I believe it myself? And that is the crux of the problem, of most of my problems – I need to stop relying on others’ opinions and beliefs about me in order to define myself and form my own viewpoints. How crazy is it that this filters all the way down into something as simple as keeping my daughter indoors during a massive heatwave?

It’s 10:30 am. How many tantrums has your toddler thrown? By my count, my near 16-mo-old Sienna’s has thrown 3, 1 major, 2 minor. The first was when I took her out of crib this morning and tried to change her diaper. How dare I?? She went crazy…screaming, tears, kicking, and worst of all, squiggling around on the changing table preventing me from lying her on her back so I could clean her. I’m just happy she’d only peed because otherwise things could have been really messy. Somehow I finally calmed her down enough that she stayed relatively still and sucked her thumb, tears still falling, and I was able to do what every parent has to do every morning. Why did she go nutso? No idea. But it wasn’t a good start to my day and it got my anger up which in turn made me feel guilty which then led to a bit of anxiety. As soon as Sienna was cleaned up, I had to step back and breathe. Luckily, the anxiety didn’t manifest itself physically.

The other 2 tantrums were much smaller – refusing to drink water (the girl doesn’t drink enough water) and getting PO’d because I’d given her Kix over Cheerios. These certainly didn’t help the anxiety created by the first tantrum, and I started worrying about what’s going to happen when Sienna REALLY starts going nuclear. Will I have the inner strength to prevent myself from becoming a quivering mess? Will I have gotten enough of a hold on my anxiety that feeling angry with my daughter won’t bring on guilt? I can’t imagine guilt ever not being present. I just have to remember that it’s natural for parents to get angry with their kids for screaming their heads off out of frustration for being unable to communicate their needs, or for not getting what they want, or for no reason whatsoever.

Elaine was furious with Sienna the other day when, a couple of days after getting LASIK, Sienna accidentally poked her in the eye. Everything wound up fine – Elaine’s vision was perfect – but the anger and associated guilt lasted for quite awhile. I had to remind her of a story my mom likes to tell about tantrums. Apparently when I was 2 or 3, I threw a tantrum at the base of a department store escalator. My mom wasn’t just apoplectic and embarrassed, she claimed she wanted to ring my neck. This story helped calm Elaine a bit. It’s normal to be angry when your toddler throws a tantrum, right? And it’s normal to feel guilty afterwards, I think. What’s not normal is to become anxious to the point where you lose control of all rationality and have a panic attack. That’s what I need to work on. Thankfully I haven’t yet reached that bridge, but who knows when it will happen. So, I’m going to need to recall my mom’s story when I’m irate with Sienna in order to assuage the guilt that comes with it, and I should add Elaine’s post-LASIK adventure as well. Instead of the usual, “Breathe,” my mantra in these situations should be, “Think escalator. Think LASIK.”

For me, tantrums bring on anger, guilt, and anxiety. The key will be in controlling my brain. Perhaps Sienna’s real-life irrational hissy fits will prove to be excellent practice for when my monkey mind goes bananas due to equally preposterous things located only in my brain.