Author Archives: Lorne Jaffe

A Father’s Day Roller Coaster

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Daddy and Sienna black and white

I don’t usually buy into so-called “Hallmark” holidays. Elaine and I don’t celebrate Valentine’s Day, we don’t buy each other cards, and this year she bought herself a Mother’s Day gift and told me how much money I had to work with for Father’s Day (she still got special treatment on the day, of course), but this year the pressure of the “specialness” of Father’s Day got to me.

On Father’s Day Eve, Elaine said that she’d slipped, injured her shoulder, and had taken a painkiller. Immediately I knew I’d be the one getting up early to take care of Sienna…just like every other day. Just as immediately, an annoyance began to roil my stomach. I knew it wasn’t her fault – bad luck is all – but I couldn’t help feeling gypped.

The following morning, as expected, I awoke early to change, feed, and play with Sienna who for some reason chose that time to act extra needy and whiny. It was the last thing I needed. My stomach was still churning and as I flipped through Facebook and saw all the Father’s Day thanks and the memorable and exciting things people had planned, anxiety rushed through my system and my mind began pinballing with negative thoughts causing chest pain. In other words, I fell into my and the depressed/anxiety sufferer’s normal, dangerous trap of comparing oneself of to others.

After hours of dealing w/ a bratty Sienna, Elaine awoke and I told her I needed some time alone. I headed to the bedroom to read and quickly fell asleep. Elaine came in after she’d put Sienna down for her nap and told me she’d taken care of lunch and given her a bath. I was appreciative, but I was also sad and anxious, especially upon reawakening (at 4…the two of us fell asleep) and realizing Father’s Day was slipping away from me w/out anything standing out to mark a celebration of my “dad-ness” or “dad-ocity.”

My parents had mentioned the previous day that if we were around, we could all go out to dinner, but I wasn’t in the mood. I felt a great need to be free of Sienna (guilt) and to laugh. I wanted to see “This is the End” which I’d heard was uproariously funny, but it being after 4, we were kind of limited since we had to make sure my parents were agreeable to babysit (no dinner w/ my dad on Father’s Day – more guilt) and we had to find an early enough showing. Elaine took over, found a workable showtime, called my parents and made the arrangements. When we dropped Sienna off, I told my mom how I was feeling, that she could see it on my face, and that my dad was fine with it because I’d spent plenty of time with them the previous day (still didn’t assuage my guilt).

Still, the deed was done and we went to the movies where I began to loosen up and as the film brutally satirized its stars and the laughs piled up, I felt my anxiety ease. After the film, we stopped off at Carvel to get a small cake where the owner told us that they sold more cakes on Father’s Day than on Mother’s Day because “Mothers get taken out to dinner. Dads get cake.” I had to laugh at that.

We got back to my parents’ place and divvied up the cake. As we were eating it, Sienna suddenly looked straight at me and said, “Dada!” This had NEVER happened before and we all sat stunned for a beat. She didn’t say it again, but it didn’t matter…all the annoyance, all the anxiety, all the comparisons to others flew out the window as I realized I’d just gotten the best Father’s Day gift I could have possibly received. And now it’s my job to take that into my heart, burn it into my brain, and remember it on every single subsequent Father’s Day that follows. Talk about a roller coaster of a day!

Introducing Myself, My Blog, and My Sienna

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Sienna_and_Lorne

Hello all.  My name is Lorne Jaffe.  I’m a 39-year-old stay-at-home dad living in NY w/ my beautiful daughter, Sienna, my incredible wife, Elaine, and our two cats, Gleeb and Minky.  I’ve also battled depression and anxiety most of life (including a severe 2010 nervous breakdown that left me out of work and on Social Security disability) both of which have raised their ugly heads all too often during my near 15 months of fatherhood.  My dream has always been to be a writer and for the longest time my brain would get in the way, but upon becoming a dad, I started posting Facebook (FB) updates about my life. Out of desperate feelings of isolation and at the urging of friends, I joined the NYC Dads Meetup Group.  To date I’ve only been to  a number of meetups. Some have been traumatic (including panic attacks), while others have been enormously helpful that I met and spoke deeply and received advice from a few other dads including co-founders, Lance Somerfield (who suggested I become a guest blogger on the site to share my unique experiences and add my voice to those of the active, caring, and involved father), and Matt Schneider, who has been an incredibly calming influence.

Despite and perhaps because of the urging of others, I’ve been struggling with creating my OWN blog for some time now because for me writing leads immediately to anxiety. But I feel it’s time now. It’s time to make this commitment and to address my fears.
Before I start writing fresh blog posts, I wanted to share one of my past FB updates/NY Dads Group blogs so you can see the ups and downs I’ve experienced since Sienna’s birth, and I felt what better way to start than to truly strip myself bare.  In May 2012 I posted an update after I, totally sleep-deprived, passed out on the couch with Sienna only to be awaken by her screams when she rolled off the couch. I wrote about my failures as a stay-at-home dad, my guilt and terror, and my words drew the following response from someone I’d once considered a friend:
“I’m not one to give advice on how to be a good father since I have no kids of my own, but you need to man up.  Your wife depends upon you looking after your daughter, there is no need to have a breakdown.  Is it challenging, yes!  But a challenge you should be capable of doing.  So she cries, all babies do, you need to be the one with the level head to cope with this.  And reading how your daughter slipped off you was a classic Simpson’s moment.  Lol”
As you can imagine, I was extremely angry.  For once in my life I took power into my own hands, told the jerk to f**k off (and I rarely, rarely curse) and immediately unfriended him.  I then headed to what would be one of the worst therapy sessions I’d ever experienced (and my therapist is usually terrific and has helped me enormously).  A few days later, on May 23, 2012, I posted the following (abridged) update in which I wrote about living with depression and anxiety and which I think is the perfect way to really introduce myself to you:
“From my interactions w/ many of you, I’ve learned that some of you have suffered from depression and/or anxiety at some point in your lives.  Some are in therapy; some have been in therapy.  Like raising a child, some of you might not understand what depression is like if you haven’t been through it.  It’s a very serious disease and its cause can be sociological, environmental, chemical, and/or genetic.  Some people are prone to it.  Some people develop it because of experiences.  Sometimes it causes anxiety (which is a totally separate disease).  Sometimes anxiety leads to depression. Sometimes anxiety doesn’t even come into play.  It knows no class, no race, no religion.  And it is POWERFUL and DANGEROUS and SELFISH.  I liken it to alcoholism in that you often wind up hurting the ones you love often w/out knowing you’re doing it.  In my case, I was probably prone to it and have brain chemistry issues.  I know it runs in my family.  But I also had a boatload of terrible experiences.
“I probably started developing it when I was around 4 when my sister was born and my father stopped showing me affection in favor of her.  Before I go further, I’ve made adult peace w/ my dad and my mom and my sister, etc., but that wounded child still exists, unfortunately.  The key is to not let it run me.  When you suffer depression it’s ALWAYS there and it’s a constant battle not to give in.  You can catch yourself having irrational thoughts, but your emotions can overwhelm you like a tidal wave causing self-destruction.  It’s thoroughly exhausting.  I often think of a quote from the old ‘G.I. Joe’ cartoon on which I grew up: ‘Destroy the foundation, and the rest comes tumbling down.’  That’s true in physics, business, relationships, and mental health.  But what if there’s no foundation to destroy?  What if it was never there?
“So anyway, the seeds were sown when I was very little. They were exacerbated by the P.S. 221 [my elementary school] gifted program where we were in such heavy competition with each other and where Mrs. Adelson [my 3rd grade teacher] called me a failure and forced me to be retested to see if I even belonged.  That’s the first mention of depression in my life…when I was 9.  At the same time I was bullied in school and in camp, but I lacked the self-esteem to fight back because I was bullied at home as well.  Sometimes bullies act the way they do because they lack self-esteem or because they’re passing the torch.  But not all of them.  Not all homophobic people are closeted homosexuals.  Some are just downright hateful.  I can’t tell you which was which amongst the long line of bullies I’ve encountered.  My dad, for instance, is an inherently good person, but just didn’t know how to deal w/ a sensitive boy like me.  He also used to be viciously sarcastic, probably as a defense mechanism.  He’s admitted to me that he felt his parents favored his sister and he has no idea why he then replayed that scenario w/ his own kids. I think he was just unable to break the cycle and my mom did not adequately protect me from him.
“So I lived to find affection SOMEWHERE, ANYWHERE.  It’s what made me the most loyal friend you could ever have, but also someone who was very often taken advantage of.  Three years later I had Adelson again and it was a repeat, but this time was worse because now I’d developed gynecomastia…male breast enlargement.  Understand that this affliction has nothing to do w/ weight.  It hits 90-something percent of boys during puberty but disappears in 95 percent of cases according to studies.  Mine didn’t disappear and it only added to my lack of self-worth.  Now I had to hide physically…baggy clothes, stooped shoulders, no more sports, no swimming w/out a shirt, no hope for a girlfriend.  My parents unfortunately ignored the problem because my pediatrician said it would disappear if I lost weight.  My dad was hard on me about this, and I felt he was embarrassed by me.
“So now I’m depressed, have a physical deformity – an emasculating deformity of which I’m aware at all times – and am getting bullied.  [The gifted program at] P.S. 221 and my family are teaching me that success = money/job status.  My dad becomes the very definition of work.  He’s a lawyer and so in my mind is successful.  Nothing less than being a lawyer or a doctor is good enough, but I’m ‘creative’ and ‘sensitive’ and that’s not my future.  I don’t fit into the world I’ve constructed.  I also have no coping mechanisms and I’ve still yet to reach my ‘formative’ years.
“I’m not going to cite every example of bullying I’ve faced or take you step-by-step through H.S., college, and beyond.  It’s not worth it.  I’ll leave it for my memoir…if I ever write it.  I will say anxiety probably entered my life in college.  I suffered my first severe panic attack senior year and was taken to the hospital, my first nervous breakdown in 1996, and my second nervous breakdown in 2010.  I’ve come close to suicide on numerous occasions.  Know that it has taken me 30-something years to even start to develop an ego.  My deformity was finally corrected when I was 29, but like losing a limb, that phantom pain still exists (in my case, that phantom pain is emotional).  Each and every day is a challenge.  I’m still trying to learn how to build on things…what most people would call successes but in my twisted mind do not measure up.
“Do I realize that I’m lucky to have a loving wife, incredible friends, a caring family, and now a beautiful daughter?  Yes.  But too often those realizations are swallowed up by the tidal wave of irrational thoughts and emotions that come w/ depression and anxiety.  That I stood up to that jerk is a huge, huge thing.  I know that, but I needed it validated.  I shouldn’t have needed it, but I did.  I admittedly write these updates not just for myself, but to hear your stories so I learn that I’m not alone.  I’m writing this update to educate those of you who have never suffered depression and/or anxiety on what it’s like and to tell those of you that have that you’re not alone and you have nothing to feel ashamed of.
“I’m scared as hell when it comes to raising Sienna and being a stay-at-home dad.  I’m constantly battling thoughts that I’ve failed when it comes to work.  Your comments and support have been an ENORMOUS help.  My ego is still forming.  I have grown significantly since my last breakdown.  I recognize that.  I also recognize the guts it takes for me to do these updates and lay myself bare.  But every day remains a battle and some days I lose.  I consider you all my friends and I am there if you need me.  I hope you feel the same.  I needed to get this out of my system.  It’s written down now in black and white.  If you don’t accept me, like that jerk, then you’re not my friend.  If you do, I love you for it.  And by the way, this morning, Sienna was crying.  I opened the door to the her room and w/out provocation…without me changing facial expressions or saying a word…Sienna smiled at me and it warmed my heart.”
It’s been quite some time since I posted that, and I’ve grown to love my amazing daughter and have gotten better on a daily basis, but my anxiety and depression are ever-present. I plan to intermingle past FB posts and NY Dads Group blogs along w/ fresh posts so you can see how I’ve grown and how I battle. I have 2 goals: 1) to write for MYSELF and 2) to let others who suffer depression/anxiety (both parents and non-parents) know that they’re not alone
So welcome to my blog! The door’s always open