I’ve been struck by the leaves changing over the past few days as if I’m seeing them with new eyes. I don’t think I ever realized how much I love this season, just how beautiful is this natural wonder we call “autumn.” I know that sounds kind of ridiculous, but it’s true. One of the many horrid aspects about depression is that it dulls the senses and forces you to question not just your likes and loves, but your entire existence.
Autumn colors in Little Neck, Queens
When I had my first nervous breakdown back in 1996, I became very existential about life. I broke down religion, societal rules and mores, and the mind to the point where the floor had been swiped from beneath me and I fell like I was flailing through space. I came to the conclusion that everything was arbitrary, that had I been born in Africa or the Middle East or in a different time period,everything I believed would be different, and that everything I’d ever known was somehow affected by those who came before me. I did my best to convince everyone I knew about this and found it astonishing when some people refused to accept my newfound discoveries about life. Eventually I recovered, though not fully. My existential beliefs are still with me (though not to the point where I cannot function), and after my second breakdown in 2010, I began to attack myself more than ever. One of main questions was: Who am I? And coupled with that was: Do I really like what I like?
I’m not talking about people. Obviously I love Elaine and Sienna, my parents, my sister, my friends. What I mean by this is if someone led me into liking something, say baseball, can I really claim it as my own? Further, I’ve become the person who needs to check reviews before I can decide if I like something. If it’s against the grain, I’m scared to say I liked it. If Rottentomatoes.com gave a film 96% positive and I didn’t like it, I’m afraid to voice my opinion. It’s a horrible thing when you no longer trust your own opinion. I love reading, but sometimes I feel like I’m doing it just so I can say I’ve read x number of books. Since depression has deeply affected my memory (another aspect of the disease…I have so much trouble remembering film, books, etc., now), it makes me doubt myself that much more.
But over the last couple of weeks, a couple of my true likes have come to the surface. I went fishing with one of my best friends in Florida a couple of weeks ago and I had an amazing time. I realized just how much I love fishing even know I’d never eat what I catch because I find all seafood disgusting. During therapy the following week, I talked about how much fun I had and my therapist asked where that love of fishing came from. I had no answer like I do with baseball, film, television, reading, G.I. Joe, and about a zillion things which I attribute to one of my other best friends. I’ve always been fascinated by the underwater world, by the creatures that dwell beneath the surface. I wanted to be a marine biologist when I was a kid. Even the theme of Bar Mitzvah was “underwater” with styrofoam sculptures of an octopus (my favorite animal) and a manta ray standing on each side of the kids’ table. To this day I love aquariums and fishing and so I claim those likes.
Fishing in Tampa. I can’t deny the pure joy on my face
I also claim Greek mythology. I’ve been enthralled by Greek myths ever since I was first introduced to them in elementary school going so far as to write really terrible plays in second grade with names such as, “Dionysus Goes Bad.” I was like a kid in a candy store when I visited Greece, jabbering and taking pictures of a valley where Oedipus supposedly met and killed his father while my sister said, “It’s just grass!”
I also claim my likes of animals and natural beauty: wombats, The Grand Canyon, vampire bats, autumnal leaves. I like media and its cultural impact. I like satire. I like “Breaking Bad” and “Arrested Development” and The Things They Carried by Tim O’Brien. I truly like, nay, love these things.
But here’s the biggest thing. I’m claiming all my likes and loves including those I believe didn’t come organically to me. Baseball is a part of me as is film, ’80s music, G.I. Joe. I don’t care that the first G.I. Joe film got panned. I loved it! It made me feel like a kid again!.
Depression, as I’ve often said, is a war. You’re constantly attacked by irrational thoughts and self-doubt. I can’t say that I’m going to be able to hold this feeling each and every day, but for now, I’m staking my claim and realizing it shouldn’t matter if my friend got me into something.Nothing changes the fact that the leaves of autumn are beautiful.
The war will rage on, but at least now I have this blog to look at when the irrational thoughts try to take me down.
M
November 5, 2013 at 2:59amI believe some of the things we like/love are constant/permanent and some things that we stop liking because we change.
I have a friend who collected anything having to do with dalmatians; she and her husband even adopted two dalmatian puppies! It’s been over thirteen years and her love for anything dalmatian has gone away. They lost one of their dogs a few years ago and though she loved her dearly, she was actually kind of relieved because by then they had two small children and no sleep!
Now here’s the kicker, I asked her years ago how she came to love dalmatian stuff imagining her answer to be something like “since childhood”. She said, “You started this for me”! I was like what?? When I first met her, she had one or two figurines or something and I just made the assumption that she was a collector which she wasn’t. Because of me she became an avid collector and a dalmatian lover!
So, sometimes liking something comes from within us and sometimes not. Either way enjoy what you like/love, the old and the new.
p.s. Love 80’s music too!;D
Announcing the 2014 Dad Blogger Spotlights!
January 6, 2014 at 2:06pm[…] Lorne Jaffe | Raising Sienna […]
Larry
February 2, 2014 at 11:20amClaiming your likes as your own – I like it.
I have read and taught The Things They Carried. It is a powerful and haunting book. Very moving.
Lorne Jaffe
February 6, 2014 at 11:35amThanks, Larry. Agreed on The Things They Carried. Gorgeous writing
A Look Back at Dad 2.0 Summit in NOLA | DadScribe
February 2, 2014 at 7:07pm[…] public setting – and his brilliant turns of phrase and use of imagery in the post he read “Do I Really Like What I Like?” – gave me strength. It was likely the moment most people who were there will remember […]
Dad 2.0: I Found My People | The Daddy Files
February 2, 2014 at 10:53pm[…] riveting and emotional moment of the conference for me was listening to Lorne Jaffe read his piece “Do I Really Like What I Like?” Lorne has a history of severe anxiety and depression, and the thought of speaking in front of […]
We've Got Your Back: Fathers Supporting Fathers at the 2014 Dad 2.0 Summit - The Good Men Project
February 4, 2014 at 10:01am[…] that afternoon, Lorne Jaffe, a dad who struggles with chronic anxiety and depression, faced his fears of public speaking and […]
Dad 2.0 Summit 2014: We’ve Got Your Back | The Daddy Doctrines
February 5, 2014 at 2:02am[…] he battles sometimes crippling anxiety and depression — read, during a Blogger Spotlight, a brutally honest piece to the enraptured crowd. The fear in his face was palpable, but his bravery was stronger than his […]
Lorne Jaffe’s Bravery and the Brotherhood of Dad 2.0 « OneGoodDad
February 5, 2014 at 1:06pm[…] courage, Lorne stood before a room full of people whom he barely knew and bared his soul as he read Do I Really Like What I Like? The room was completely quiet throughout his reading. There were no pens taping or mandatory tweets […]
Dad 2.0 Summit: Losing My Voice, Finding OUR Voice | Amateur Idiot / Professional DadAmateur Idiot / Professional Dad
February 7, 2014 at 10:29am[…] with his surroundings. He read from one of his blog posts, contemplating whether he really likes what he likes or if these preferences have been foisted upon him. He was barely able to get the words out. He […]
Darrell
February 11, 2014 at 7:42amI love that you love wombats. That’s weird you being American and all and they being from Down Under. But that’s cool. It’s cool because not many people would choose a wombat as their favourite animal. My brother (who is five years older) did a project about the wombat when he was at school and fell in love with them. Now, at almost 45 years old, I bet he doesn’t even think of them. Well, not unless he is standing in front of their enclosure whilst taking his kids to the zoo. That’s sad.
You piece here isn’t sad though. It is brilliant. I just watched you read this on YouTube and had to google “Lorne Jaffe Wombats” so I could read along. You made me happy reading this. I hope writing this and much more makes you happy.
Lorne Jaffe
February 13, 2014 at 8:51amThanks so much Darrell. I’ve always found the Australian creatures fascinating, but especially love wombats. No one seems to realize how cute these guys are…not to mention they’re like rocks that can take out your car! Was lucky enough to visit Australia and pet a womabt. Very cool! I never thought anyone would google my name and with wombats! I never thought anyone would google my name, so I thank you for that 🙂
NYC Dad Lorne Jaffe Wows Dad 2.0 Summit
February 10, 2015 at 11:23am[…] member Lorne Jaffe braving his own fears and anxieties to stand before 250 people and read his post “Do I Really Like What I Like” about his struggles with depression:Lorne – all us NYC Dads are proud of you and your success as […]
NYC Dad Lorne Jaffe Wows Dad 2.0 Summit
May 4, 2015 at 12:42pm[…] member Lorne Jaffe braving his own fears and anxieties to stand before 250 people and read his post “Do I Really Like What I Like” about his struggles with depression: Lorne – all us NYC Dads are proud of you and your success […]