Do it for Her

I’ve already talked about my depression and anxiety, my fears of failure and success, and even my fear of food, but something I’ve yet to talk about is my slight case of agoraphobia. More than 15 months in and I’m still afraid to take Sienna out…even for walks to the park or  around the block. Part of it is a worry that Sienna will get sick. Part of it is an irrational fear of judgment. What do people see when they look at me? Do they see into my mind and soul? Can they tell from my perpetually hunched shoulders that I grew up with gynecomastia? And, of course, I still feel the “stigma” about being a stay-at-home dad due to my brain’s twisted view of success.

I also don’t do well in crowds, and it’s one of the reasons I tend to avoid Manhattan even when a NYC Dads Group meetup sounds exciting. I hate people rushing and pushing their way onto trains or past me on the sidewalk. I hate huge groups of school children out at the zoo or museums or wherever. And I’ve learned that large meetups aren’t for me, the ones where there are 30 or so dads with their offspring running around (including my own). I need to be able to talk to people one-on-one to prevent myself from becoming overwhelmed.

But herein lies a problem. Sienna needs to get out. She needs to make friends. She needs to experience and explore the world outside of the comfort of this little apartment. I can read to her all I want, but showing her pictures of monkeys does not compare to showing her ACTUAL monkeys. Now, I do much better when I’m with Elaine, and we’ve made Tuesdays sort of a family day. We’ve gone to the Bronx Zoo, Adventureland, and other places. We plan to head to the beach soon (something about which I’m VERY nervous). But I can’t count on Elaine all the time. I’m with Sienna every day of the week.

I’d love to have a set play date with one of my friends and his/her kid(s), but that has not yet come to fruition. I feel that would help me, though once again that would be relying on someone else when I alone am the one who needs to break through these fears. My therapist is always telling me I just have to do it, but I always fall into the trap of “I don’t UNDERSTAND how you just do it” to which she says, “STOP TRYING TO UNDERSTAND!!” That’s one of my problems…I need to understand everything and when I don’t, I freeze and/or stubbornly fight against it.

What I need is to fully take in the fact that my depression and anxiety pale in comparison to my daughter’s needs. I’ve not yet been able to do so, but I’m working on it, I’m trying insanely hard because in the  end, the solution is one sentence, four words, none larger than 3 letters: do it for her.