Helplessness = Feeling You Get When You Have an Ill Infant/Toddler

Sienna has a cold; coughing, sneezing (she says, “Bless you” each time…it’s really cute), unable to sleep. little appetite, glassy eyes, nose bubbling and gushing like a waterfall. And there’s not much we can do. I feel utterly helpless. Last night, after giving Sienna some chicken soup, Hyland’s cold tablets, and children’s Motrin, Elaine and I comforted her as best as we could and put her down in the crib. We then lay in bed holding each other as we listened to our daughter’s screams and wails broken only by a  hacking cough. After a we decided some mediaval torture was in order (aka using the NoseFrida aspirator) – talk about shrieks! – we put her back in her crib and I stroked her nose until she finally passed out.

The poor girl has no idea what’s going on, of course. She doesn’t understand why we wipe her nose and suck out her snot. She doesn’t get why she can’t sleep…she just knows she can’t. And as much as we want to explain it, we can’t. Despite all of this, Sienna’s sunny disposition is mostly intact, so we’re lucky in that sense. We’re also lucky we have yet to experience REAL illness and that our daughter was born perfectly healthy…10 fingers, 10 toes, no congenital diseases or chromosomal disorders. We know how lucky we are. Elaine talks about it constantly and even spent a bunch of money on a keychain that contained a bunch of good luck charms which reminded her of Sienna and brought tears to her eyes. I don’t know how parents of children with developmental problems or chromosomal/congenital disorders do it. I salute them mightily, because I feel powerless and all Sienna has is a cold.

I thought I knew what helplessness was. My breakdown left me shaking, stuttering, and crying for at least 6 months. I can’t imagine how Elaine felt, how my PARENTS felt, during this time. I know I felt hopeless and impotent, completely dependent on others. But I’ve discovered those feelings pale in comparison to seeing my little girl in any sort of pain.

I dread the day Sienna gets really sick. I don’t want to think about it, but my mind (which always runs in extremes), won’t stop. I need to concentrate on being there for my daughter during this slight illness. I need to suck away her snot despite her anguish. I need to hold her and calm her as best I can. And I will. I’m a dad and that’s my job.