Sienna’s too busy “texting” to let Daddy finish dressing her on 7/20/13, her 16-mo bday
Elaine just walked out the door, on her way to the airport to spend 4 days of fun and possibly Mike Tyson-related adventures in Las Vegas with a couple of her friends. That means it’s just Sienna and I. For 4 days and 4 nights. Just my daughter and I. My chest feels like concrete and has since last night.
This is in no way meant to make Elaine feel guilty. Last night, when I was losing it, she offered to cut her trip short and I outright refused. She deserves a great vacation, something filled with excitement, relaxation, and lack of worry. So if/when you read this, wife of mine, know that it’s for me and I’m writing just to let my feelings pour from my fingers rather than my eyes.
I was napping and Sienna was in her crib when Elaine came home from work in a mad rush to meet her car service (she convinced me last night not to drive her to airport because I was already starting to lose it a bit – tic started going as I began to realize how anxious I was about her leaving). I saw her for maybe 8 minutes and I was half asleep which didn’t give me time to break down. At the same time, Elaine decided not go in and see Sienna because she was afraid she (Elaine) would start crying. I can’t blame her.
After Elaine left, I walked into the bedroom and saw things scattered all over the bed. The apartment immediately felt empty, despite Sienna talking to herself in her room down the hall. I noticed our cat, Minky, was under the bed, and so I lay on my stomach to fish him out. Instead I wound up tightly holding onto him, trying not think about if I’ll be able to handle these next 4 days.
I’ll get a reprieve here or there. My parents are coincidentally returning from a cruise today, right around the same time Elaine’s plane is due to leave. They’ll probably be tired and it might take them a little while to return to our time zone, but I know they’re dying to see Sienna and if they can, will gladly watch her tomorrow or at least have us over for a bit. Then they’ll both return to work, though my mom’s office is across the street from our apartment. I’m almost positive I won’t get a night to myself as Elaine did when I went to Tampa to visit one of my best friends a few months ago. I haven’t talked to my parents about it, though. I’m sure they’ll do what they can to help, but my brain isn’t all rational right now as evidenced by the pain in my chest.
I miss my wife like crazy despite her barely being away, and not just because I’m terrified of being alone with Sienna both day and night for 4 consecutive days. She is the love of my life and my rock. I might be able to talk to others if I have a crisis, but no one can hold and calm me like she can. What happens if I have a panic attack sometime during Elaine’s trip? Who will hug me and talk me down? I’ll have to rely on the techniques taught by my therapist and advised by friends more than ever. I hope I can implement them correctly. I hope I can breathe.
Metaphorically, as I neared the end of this blog, Minky threw up all over the table, right in front of Sienna. I jumped up and ran to the kitchen for paper towels and Lysol wipes, but Sienna, being a toddler, was too quick; she was finger-painting in Minky’s vomit by the time I returned. I told myself to breathe, cleaned the mess, and washed Sienna’s hands with both soap and Purell. Does Minky’s action portend these next 4 days will be messy or does my reaction to it, my ability to competently handle the situation, foreshadow me getting through Elaine’s vacation with strength? Despite my inclination, I’m going to go with the latter. Now if I can just tell my chest that.