Last night was a tough one for me. I can’t figure out why it happened, but I suddenly started thinking about my ex-girlfriend, a person who devastated me more than twelve years ago. I had no reason to think of her. I’m very happily married to the most wonderful person I’ve ever known. I have a beautiful daughter. But out of nowhere, this woman was in my head and wreaking havoc, snaring me in a negative thought circle, a significant aspect of depression.
The last time I even had contact with her was over four years ago. She messaged me on Facebook after I’d posted that my beloved cat, Zeeb, had to be put to sleep. We’d adopted Zeeb together, and she wrote to send her condolences. I never replied. In fact, I immediately blocked her, the anger and pain still present deep in my gut. It’s possible I haven’t thought of her again since around that time.
But there she was in my head last night, and I can’t identify the trigger. I started wondering if she was better off than me. Better job? House? Money? Happiness? Around and around it went. I know she’s married and has kids. She was seeing someone within a month of dumping me and got married soon after. I know through mutual friends that she has kids. My wondering soon changed from wondering to irrational knowing. She must have an important job. She must have a house. She’s rich and happy. Great family. She has it all. That she has scleroderma, a chronic and progressive disease that hardens the skin and internal organs, never entered my mind.
Around and around. I lay next to my incredible wife feeling angry at and jealous of a person who’d hurt me so long ago. At one point I left the bedroom to hug Minky, the cat we adopted after we’d lost Zeeb. I needed to hear and feel Minky purring. I lay on the floor with him, his purr soft and rumbling. It didn’t help. I went back and took a melatonin, spurred a few more rounds with preposterous resentment, and coveting and eventually fell asleep.
I woke up shaky and sad and told Elaine about my night’s troubles. She hugged and comforted me because unlike this person from my long-ago past, she loves me. I still don’t know what triggered these thoughts, but I do know that I got caught in a negative thought circle and I couldn’t get out myself. I’ve been working on getting myself out of these circles for years because all they do is reinforce the negative feelings you have about yourself, but I still have great difficulty even when presented with irrefutable evidence of my irrationality (see my wife lying next to me and my daughter soundly sleeping down the hall, her soft sighs ever so often coming over the baby monitor). I feel better now, but the ex is still at the corner of my brain, trying to lasso me back. But I won’t let her.
Instead I’ll think about the nice brunch I had with an old friend and his family, the movie I’m seeing in a couple of hours with another old friend, and in between, I’ll hug my wife, play with Sienna, and tell them both how much I love them. And the next time I find myself caught in a negative thought circle, I’m going to break out this blog.