Santa Delivered My Daughter!

Yes, Santa Claus delivered Sienna in March of 2012. It seems that during his off-time, Santa doesn’t hang out at the North Pole, but instead works as on OB off Lexington Ave under the alias of “Dr. Frederick Gonzalez” and delivers babies at NYU Hospital. He goes fairly incognito, choosing to employ an unassuming grey mustache and salt-and-pepper hair. It makes sense Santa would forgo the bushy snow-white beard, hair and poofy eyebrows when away from the Pole, not to mention the iconic red suit. The beard and suit are probably really annoying during New York City summers, itchy and sweaty. Plus think about all the people who’d ask him for autographs and want special appearances if he actually looked and dressed like Santa. I’m sure he’s thrilled that so many lookalikes are out there. Takes the pressure off. However, that eye twinkle and bellowing laugh gave him away. Don’t believe me? I have the picture to prove it:

Newborn Sienna and Santa Clau…er, “Dr. Frederick Gonzalez”

I know you think I’m being ridiculous, but it makes sense that Santa would spend his off-season delivering high-risk babies (Elaine has a heart condition) to parents of all races and religions. Really, can you think of anything more rewarding?

I can tell you from experience that Santa has a very calming demeanor. Whenever my anxiety disorder would pop up (facial twitch, slight stutter, etc.), he’d soothe me by saying I was exhibiting the same reactions that any soon-to-be dad does. He’s also quite a straight-shooter, that Santa Claus. When one of Sienna’s sonograms showed that she’d developed a cystic hygroma (a nodule on the back of the neck), he told us that there was a 50-50 possibility she might have chromosomal abnormalities and serious medical problems, but he also said to be strong, and though it was one of the worst weeks of our lives, we did indeed cling to each other and thankfully the nodule disappeared. When we next saw Santa, the twinkle was back. Miracle off Lexington Avenue? And when it was time for Elaine’s scheduled c-section, Santa did an amazing job – joking, but professional, always making us feel as comfortable as possible.

So what of Mrs. Claus and the elves and the reindeer? Well, its already been established that Rudolph now plays in Reindeer Games so I have no doubt he and his brethren spend their off-time doing just that. I think the elves make pilgrimages to the Island of Misfit Toys as a means of contrition in between their bi-annual visits to Hermey’s dentist office. The rest of the time they’re playing with all sorts of new technological marvels that they’ll unleash on the world each holiday season. And Mrs. Claus? I can attest that Santa wears a thick gold wedding ring so I assume Mrs. Claus is also in New York, probably doing positive work like volunteering at soup kitchens.

It all makes sense. Why stay at the frozen North Pole when you can bring so much joy to people all year round? So if you’re looking for a wonderful OB, be sure to look up Santa Claus…I mean Dr. Frederick Gonzalez.

Just don’t expect him to be available Christmas Eve.