“So what should we do for Sienna’s 2nd birthday?”

“I don’t know,” Elaine yawned. We sat on each side of the couch in the darkened living room. Elaine had just put Sienna to bed and was on the verge of going night-night herself.

“Don’t we have to do something?” I implored. “A party? Ask my parents if we could borrow their house and invite only people with kids so Sienna can play?”

“Maybe,” Elaine responded, her voice noncommittal. “But I’d rather we just invite a few friends if we do that. Doesn’t matter if they have kids. It’s not like we have to do anything major.”

“But we have to do something, right?”

That’s what I felt in my heart, body, brain, guts. It’s our daughter’s 2nd birthday so we need to throw her a party of some sorts. That’s what society dictates. A child’s birthday equals a party with or without clowns, bouncy tents, magicians and the like. Elaine and I had this conversation for months. We never made a decision. Sienna’s 2nd birthday is tomorrow and I feel wrong that we’re not doing anything big for it. No pirate-themed party like my friend had when his son turned 2. No kids running around a decorated backyard or house. I know a 2nd birthday party is mainly for the parents just as a 1st birthday celebration is. I know Sienna wouldn’t remember if I dressed up like Olaf from Frozen (as if I could get an Olaf costume these days when Frozen merchandise is going for thousands on Ebay). But still I feel like I’m failing her somehow. Once again I’m caring more about what a society that could care less about me thinks than I am about anything else.

Sure we’re going to see our relatives on Sunday. Sienna will see her great-grandmother, great-aunt and uncle and 2nd cousins. It will be a combined marking of Sienna’s 2nd birthday and my parents’ anniversary, but outside of a cake (hopefully my cousin’s awesome checkerboard confection) marking the occasion and maybe a card or 2, it will be just like any other gathering. Maybe there will be a balloon? Maybe a toy for her to unwrap? I’m not sure. Regardless it won’t be the remarkable event I feel pressured to create even if Elaine, Sienna and even I, the rational I, could care less about.

We’re also bringing cupcakes to her class on Sunday and I gather they’ll sing “Happy Birthday,” but that still doesn’t feel like enough.

Why are young children’s birthday parties so big in American society?

When we threw a fête for her 1st birthday (ok, maybe it wasn’t a “fête” since it was really informal), Sienna sat there confused and indifferent as evidenced by the image below:

She didn’t have a clue what was going on around her, though she interacted fine with total strangers, especially the other kids. I honestly don’t think she smiled until after everyone left and she had room to play with a balloon and climb on Elaine. Even for her 1st birthday we didn’t go all out, though we did get a delicious cake, symbolically the same one Elaine had at her bridal shower. We invited a bunch of people over to my parents’ house. We brought in pizza and Italian food. Sienna wore a nice dress. We decorated a bit. Sienna got a bunch of gifts. It was a nice time, clearly more for Elaine, myself and my parents than for Sienna. And now our daughter’s turning 2 and we’re not doing a blessed thing and I feel like I’m making a societal faux pas.

I asked other parents what they did for 2nd birthdays and the majority said they did very little. A simple family gathering. A trip to the zoo. A cake.

I guess that’s the direction we’re going. I’ll try to get some nice pictures tomorrow and the family gathering on Sunday, but there will be no party for Sienna not to recall. I’m sure the feeling that I’m failing my daughter will go away sometime next week, but I’m annoyed I’m letting inconsequential and wholly false societal “rules” dictate my life once again. I’m furious I’m playing the same comparison game I’ve played essentially my whole natural life.

And that leads nowhere except to further self-loathing so I need to take a deep breath and as my therapist instructs, repeat to myself, “This is where I go. This is what I do.”

Perhaps if I keep doing that the sharp arrow of anxiety piercing my body will dissipate and I’ll be able to ignore my the irrational part of my brain and enjoy Sienna’s 2nd birthday for what it is – my daughter simply turning 2.