» Book Review

Have you bought a Father’s Day gift for that special dad in your life yet? No? Good. Because I have a great suggestion. When I First Held You, an anthology of 22 personal essays from contemporary male writers such as Dennis Lehane and Andre Dubus III is a triumphant collection that digs deep into what it means to be a father.

Edited by Brian Gresko, the book shakes you with incredibly honest accounts of fatherhood guilt and frustration, child health crises, horrifying feelings of failure (something I especially relate to), renewed faith in a higher power, the effect of divorce on a child, etc. And there’s humor, of course. Lots of vomit. Lots of poop. Lots of crying. It’s a book that as Gresko writes, helps “inspire you to be the best parents you’re capable of being, knowing that you’ll never be as good as you want to be.” And it sure does.

I’m a full-time stay-at-home father batting depression and anxiety and as much as I love my 2-year-old daughter, I too often succumb to panic attacks and oppressive pits of despair because I didn’t do something right for my child, because I got angry and yelled, because I have trouble believing that I’m providing my daughter with life filled with learning and wonder and joy. I beat myself up. I call myself a failure. This book filled with wonderful narratives help you see that the struggles and beauty that come with parenting are universal. I’m not the only one feeling these things. I need to forgive myself for my parenting mistakes and appreciate my daughter’s utter glee at seeing bubbles. Because that’s special and it won’t last forever.

Some of my favorite passages:

“When you watch your kids begin to grow up, you cannot help but feel your impermanence more acutely; you cannot help but see how you are one link in a very long chain of parents and children, and that the best thing you have ever done and ever will do is to extend that chain, to be a part of something greater than yourself. That’s really what it means to be a father.” – Anthony Doerr

“In the stillness I move between the two beds…The silence of the room is like the silence of a photograph. Here the girls are fixed, they lie quietly outside of time…The girls might stir or murmur, but they don’t say a word. Not one word. I lean down toward each girl in turn to listen to what she does not say. How conspicuous, how marvelous is their silence! Because during the daylight hours, while awake and in our house or cars or backyard, these extraordinary girls, these two sources of wonder and light, almost never shut their mouths.” – Chris Bachelder (emphasis not added)

“My father loved to play. He still loves to play. How lucky are the children whose fathers genuinely love playing with them! I have been one of those children, and so it saddens me greatly that I have never been, and likely will never be, one of those fathers.” – Bruce Marchart (emphasis not added)

What a wonderful compendium of darkness and light, sadness and jubilation, and all around gorgeous writing is When I First Held You. Delve into these stories. Soak them in. Learn from them. Feel them. Because as a father, they represent you. They might not exactly mirror your personal tale, but the reflection is true and real and gorgeous.

And while When I First Held You is about the trials, tribulations and discoveries of fatherhood, it’s a book that any parent can enjoy, especially one that is a fan of great writing. Included in the book are the following writers:

Andre Aciman, Chris Bachelder, David Bezmogis, Justin Cronin, Peter Ho Davies, Anthony Doerr ,Andre Dubus III, Steve Edwards, Karl Taro Greenfriend, Ben Greenman, Lev Grossman, Dennis Lehane, Bruce Machart, Rick Moody, Stephen O’Connor, Benjamin Percy, Bob Smith, Frederick Reiken, Marco Roth, Matthew Specktor, Garth Stein, Alexi Zentne

When I First Held You is a terrific book that tackles some tough topics, teaches us what it means to be a father in today’s ever-changing world, and delves into the mysteries of parenthood in different writing styles all of which are captivating.

So this Father’s Day, pick up When I First Held You for a dad – any dad. Or actually, just pick one up for yourself or anyone who loves a magical read.

Note: I greatly appreciate Brian Gresko providing me with a review copy of this book

“If you take one thing from this book, here it is: The secret to successful parenting isn’t money, status, or any other classification that society throws your way. It doesn’t matter whether you are a two-parent family, single, gay, straight, adoptive, foster, or other. All that matters is that you are full of love and respect, and you do your best to share it with those who count on you.” – Whit Honea

Boy did I need to read that first secret because I constantly criticize myself for lack of money, and as a stay-at-home dad, I often feel like I’m failing my daughter because I don’t have that prestigious job title. But I love my little one and I will keep showering her with that love for the rest of my life.

I wish I had a great anecdote to tell, one that fits perfectly within Mr. Honea’s insightful, wry, poignant and laugh-out-loud catalog of incidents our children will encounter; innocent, yet existential questions they’ll ask us; and general and specific parental duties, but alas, my daughter is only 23 months old and although verbose, she still babbles half the time. That being said, when it’s time I’ll know just where to look: on my bookshelf under “Whit Honea – Genius.”

What Mr. Honea does in The Parents’ Phrase Book is lay out everyday situations while offering advice on how to react, how not to react, what to say, and what not to say all while admitting that we, as parents, are bound to make mistakes, but those mistakes will just make us better parents so long as we allow them too. Mr. Honea advises us to keep a sense of humor (but be stern) even when the kids are painting the walls with ketchup, to always communicate in order to get to the underlying meanings behind a child’s words and to never stop loving. Those are the themes permeating The Parents’ Phrase Book, and as you read it you can feel and imagine Mr. Honea sharing his own experiences, growing as a parent, and wanting to share with us what has worked for him and what hasn’t, and by doing so, by designing the book in such a way that shows us his triumphs and errors, by breaking the book into simple-to-follow chapters such as “Conflict and Bullies” and “Play and Creativity,” he has created a completely universal text, one every parent and parent-to-be should read. To be honest, I’d recommend even non-parents read the book in order to learn how to become better people.

Here’s a short example of how The Parents’ Phrase Book works. Mr. Honea notes something that each parent will face; in this case, let’s use his discussion of religion and politics, a topic a kid might bring up only to leave a parent uttering a Ralph Kramden-esque, “Hamana hamana hamana!” Mr. Honea offers typical phrases and variations we might hear: “What is our religion? Why do you think some politicians are wrong?” He then advises honesty lest we lead the child down a path of criticism and intolerance. He suggests what we should say: “This is what I believe…” and tells us to explain our beliefs and the reasons behind them and should others hold different opinions, allow the child to ask them the same questions. We’re then treated to what not to say along with a variation: “What we believe is right and what they believe is wrong” or “Don’t listen to them” followed by reasoning. “Teaching children that it’s wrong to engage in debate or respectfully listen to all sides is doing them a terrible injustice,” states Mr. Honea. The keys are communication and discourse and trust and love. Always. No matter the situation, keep your mind and your heart open.

Along the the way Mr. Honea offers up beautifully written stories, ones that might even elicit a tear here or there. And a couple of sentences later he might have you cracking up such as when he uses the name “Jimmy” as a generic child stand-in and writes, “First, Jimmy didn’t really do anything. I made him up. I don’t want any letters from Jimmy, his friends, his family, or other concerned citizens. Relax Jimmy.” That one had me rolling.

If there’s one quibble I had with The Parents’ Phrase Book, it’s during the section on school. While Mr. Honea rightfully labels good teachers “superheroes,” he fails to account for bad teachers or worse, teachers with bullying tendencies. Such teachers do exist (trust me, I have a lot of personal experience with this), and often they can lead children to distrust authority figures or even their parents. For example, should a child complain about a teacher showing favorites (or calling a someone a “failure” in front of the class as happened to me in 3rd grade) and their parents do not believe them, it could establish a dangerous precedent along with damaging the child’s psyche. It is my hope that in the next addition of The Parents’ Phrase Book, Mr. Honea addresses this one aspect I felt was missing because it’s an important one, in my opinion.

Regardless, The Parents’ Phrase Book knocks it out of the park, and as my daughter gets older and more and more of these situations arise, I’ll know just where to look for advice.

“Children are amazing,” writes Mr. Honea, “and nothing is ever going to change that. Appreciate everything.”

This parent sure will.

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“When I First Held You” – Book Review

Whit Honea, Author, Nails Parenting in “The Parents’ Phrase Book”