Left – Sienna’s birthday (3/20/13); Right – Sienna and me today, 11/21/13. I’m wearing the same shirt I wore the day of Sienna’s birth

Today, on the eve of the release of The Hunger Games: Catching Fire, I’m brought back to Sienna’s birth. Why? Sienna was born on the eve of the first Hunger Games film’s release, March 20, 2012. So since the second film is due to be released tonight, exactly 20 months and 1 day after Sienna was born, I’m drawn back into thinking about the day that changed my life and the night afterwards when Elaine allowed me to go to the movies to get out of the hospital for a bit.

Here’s what I remember: fear. Lots and lots of fear. And exhaustion. Because Elaine was a high-risk patient (she has a heart condition), Sienna was a scheduled c-section. I recall Elaine being wheeled into the delivery room at NYU Hospital as I sat outside dressed in scrubs, positively terrified. I sat there for 40-something minutes as Elaine was prepped. At one point someone left the room and I got a glimpse of Elaine being hooked to up to a zillion tubes and monitors, her belly seemingly about to burst. Her OB, Dr. Frederick Gonzalez, a great, funny man who looked like Santa Claus sans the white beard, was, at the time, the very definition of professionalism. Through the door I heard him giving orders, but still with a hint of humor, always making sure to keep Elaine calm. I took a self-pic:

Then I was in the room, comforting Elaine while shaking in my scrubs. I asked Dr. Gonzalez if he was ready to go all “Freddy Krueger” on my wife. He laughed and made finger blade noises. I remember Elaine screaming, begging for more drugs. I remember Sienna crying while she was still inside Elaine (I didn’t see it…I only have Dr. Gonzalez’s words to base this on). I remember them knocking Elaine out because the pain was too much. And then it was over. They took my daughter away to clean her up. They stitched Elaine up. I have no idea when I first held Sienna. Was it in the delivery room? In the recovery room? I was a father. Suddenly it was all too real. I was a father, something I never thought I’d be.

I remember my parents being there, but I don’t know when they arrived. Suddenly they were grandparents, something they never thought they’d be. They were beyond excited. My memory is fuzzy. I remember Elaine’s room. The recliner. I don’t know when they brought Sienna in. I don’t remember when Elaine awoke, when she first held her daughter. We had the room to ourselves save for the nurses that were coming in and out, giving advice, trying to get Sienna to suckle. This little, tiny thing. My child. I was so tired. I remember going to the cafeteria. I think I ate hummus. Every few hours Sienna cried, wanting milk. I remember struggling with swaddling. I never mastered it. Strangely, though, I had no problem with changing her. I still don’t.

The next day is a blur. Visitors, balloons, crying, pictures. Bits of sleep here and there. But that night Elaine said it was fine to head to the movies to watch The Hunger Games. She only wished she could go too. I stood in line. It was near midnight. The air was cool. I wore a wristband listing me as Sienna Giselle Jaffe’s father. I spoke to people in line. Told them my wife had given birth the day before and urged me to take a break, to go to the movies. Congratulations left and right. How did I stay awake during the film? I kept touching the wristband, thinking of my new little family. That tiny creature awaiting me a few blocks away. I was more afraid than Katniss Everdeen could ever be. Still I enjoyed the movie. Then it was back to the hospital. Back to my new daughter. Back to this beautiful thing that took me more than 6 months to love:

I’ve been a stay-at-home dad for 20 months and 1 day. I’m in love with my daughter. I love to hear her laugh, see her smile, discover new things, say new words. I’ve witnessed the first time she connected the word “moon” with the actual celestial object. I taught her that cows say, “Moo!” That sheep say, “Baa!” I’m teaching her that zombies say, “Brains!” (She needs to be ready for the Zombiepocalypse, right?). I still don’t take her out enough because I’m anxious. I’m still terrible with food because I’m afraid of cooking. But she’s alive. She’s happy. She sleeps through the night (mostly). I have to set an alarm because she lies in her crib and talks to herself when morning comes. I’ve joined the NYC Dads Group and met some great people. I’ve started blogging about my life with Sienna and my battles with depression and anxiety. I’ve learned so much and come so far.

Now I just need my parents to watch their granddaughter so Elaine and I can catch a showing of The Hunger Games: Catching Fire, the sequel to a film that will forever be associated with Sienna. I’m sure they’ll be happy to babysit. Seriously, how can you resist this:

Sienna on her 20-month bday