“You taking pictures of me?”
“Sorry?”
“You taking pictures of me?” He was about 5’10”, stocky, scruffy face, cold eyes.
This had to be a joke, right? I mean, we were surrounded by kids, costumes and cupcakes. Superman and Batman faced off in one corner (probably better than the upcoming film – sorry, couldn’t resist). Thinkertots was filled with princesses, owls, strawberries, superheroes, Buzz Lightyear, prisoners, and of course, my Sienna Shark. Parents held all sorts of cameras and smartphones trying to get that perfect shot of their children. Some of the parents were costumed up. All of the teachers were. This was a safe, festive place.
“Let me see,” he demanded. I kept expected him to break out into a wide grin and say, “Kidding, man!” It wasn’t to be.
I clicked through the last few shots I’d taken of Elaine holding Sienna and there he was in the background, glaring.
“Delete them,” he said and stalked off.
I felt queasy, my insides seizing up and then releasing. I immediately deleted the pics and felt ashamed because I’d given in to this guy as Elaine, her best friend and Sienna watched. I was 39 years old but felt like I was a kid, once more being bullied by my peers. This wasn’t a cop hiding behind a badge. This was just a guy. I wanted to snidely say something like, “I feel sorry for your kid!” But I didn’t. I recognized it wasn’t the place. Still the shame was all-encompassing. My day was ruined.
Elaine and her best friend told me I handled it well. I felt differently because once more I didn’t stand up for myself. I did my best to act normally, but my outrage and embarrassment slipped through. On the way back I saw this gorgeous tree, the very visual definition of autumn, bursting in yellows, reds and oranges. I stopped the car and took a picture hoping it would ease my anger. I lied and said it did.
That evening we were at my parents’ house and my rage was in full force. I sat stonily and spoke in monotones. Eventually I went upstairs to lie down. When it was time to go out to dinner, Elaine came upstairs and asked if I was okay and if I wanted to go. I said I couldn’t, that my mood would just ruin things. She reiterated that I’d done well and I shook my head. She restated it wasn’t the place and I said I was ashamed. She gave me a kiss and went downstairs. I put my hat over my face.
I’d coincidentally watched the chilling documentary, Bully, just a few days before. The film follows 5 kids and their families, including one family whose child committed suicide because of incessant bullying. It captures the powerlessness of the prey, how the families sometimes don’t believe just how bad it is, how the schools often do nothing, how other kids, including those who have experienced bullying themselves, usually turn away or join in, how the victims are too afraid to say anything. The film is a must see for any parent, a frightening look at the culture of school bullying, a world I’d experienced throughout my childhood.
But here I was rapidly nearing 40 and still being bullied, this time in front of my family. I replayed the incident over and over while lying alone in the dark, the things I could have said or done, though logically I knew it wasn’t the place. I felt guilty and furious for doing nothing and then for allowing the episode to mar the rest of my day and taint the fun I’d had before it. Eventually I fell asleep.
Elaine awakened me and told me it was time to leave. I looked at my phone and saw a text which Elaine must have sent from the restaurant:
“I support u and love you, I am in no way upset or offended that yu stayed. I am happy that you recognize what you need. This is growth, I’m proud of u”
Was this growth? I apologized to my mom on the way out.
“No apologies,” she said. “I’m proud of you.”
In the car I asked Elaine what they talked about. Elaine said she told them exactly what happened and they couldn’t believe this guy would act this way at a children’s party, that some people shouldn’t be allowed to reproduce, that in essence, the guy was a total bastard and I handled it perfectly.
I wish I’d kept the pictures so I could publish his face in this blog, but that would petty. I don’t know if what I did was growth. I don’t feel like it was. I’m still eating away at myself for not standing up, for once more being the victim. And I’m still angry. We’ll see what my therapist says. For now, this blog is done and I have a little girl who craves my attention.
Matt
October 28, 2013 at 12:58pmI think you handled it perfectly. You have to pick your battles, and this is not one that needed to be picked. You were a calm presence in a potentially volatile situation– isn’t that the role model you want to be for your daughter?
Lorne Jaffe
October 30, 2013 at 9:44amThanks Matt
Oscar
October 28, 2013 at 1:11pmYou were right on in the way you handled it. I would have done the exact same thing. What’s the alternative, provoke this lunatic in a setting where there are young children around? Everyone’s day would have been ruined.
You did the right thing: calmly acquiesce to the crazy person’s demands, and walk away. You traded the loss of a couple of photos so that your child and the other children there could have a good experience unmarred by an argument and/or fight. That’s what a real man and father would do.
Larry
October 28, 2013 at 4:41pmLorne you handled that very well. You did it what any smart parent would of done especially in front of children. You showed what a real man is and what a great dad you are to Sienna. Yes you were bullied into taking the pictures down and yes you felt like you relived your childhood but a very sensible smart man. I feel sorry for the mans child too. But the apple doesn’t fall far from the tree. Hopefully this child is not a bully too
Lorne Jaffe
October 30, 2013 at 9:49amThanks Oscar. Def agree. Hope the kid doesn’t become the dad
C
October 28, 2013 at 5:33pmYeah, sometimes it shows more courage just to give in. I know that because you were bullied, you are worried that you’ll later be angry that you didn’t stand up to him, but really, what you want is to be able to make the choice. You made the choice to be the bigger person and avoid escalating the situation. That is strong, not weak. In fact, it is a lot harder to keep your mouth shut than to yell back. Sometimes you have to do it for your personal safety or the safety of those around you.
Someone commented on Facebook that the guy obviously has problems. That’s something to consider too. Just as you hate being bullied, this guy may feel that the camera invades his space or something. You can’t assume you’re the only one with a psych issue in this situation.
As an aside, people are much weirder about photos these days than they used to be.
Lorne Jaffe
October 30, 2013 at 9:43amThanks Oscar. I agree. Hopefully the kid doesn’t become the dad
Lorne Jaffe
October 30, 2013 at 9:52amThanks C! I do feel that if the guy had psych issues, he never should have been in a situation where cameras were flashing everywhere, and if he felt his personal space was invaded, all he had to was ask nicely.Regardless, thanks for saying I was strong. I needed that
M
October 28, 2013 at 6:00pmTotally agree with Matt and Oscar!!
It takes a tremendous amount of courage to be the person that “walks” away. If there is no fear then there is no courage!
Heck yes it’s a victory!! You did not let this individual bring you down to his level! He made himself look like an idiot and a fool. You did not let his garbage become yours. That’s growth baby!
Right now, I’m thinking of Nelson Mandela. Makes me proud to share this planet with persons like him AND you! 😀
Sienna has an awesome dad!
Lorne Jaffe
October 30, 2013 at 9:49amThanks M! Can’t say I’ve ever been in the same sentence as Nelson Mandela and not sure I deserve it lol
Jason
October 28, 2013 at 8:07pmDealing with jerks isn’t easy and an unfortunate part of life. You were the bigger man in more ways than one here. Hold your head up high because it could’ve been worse and with kids around, you never want it to get worse. You did the right thing.
Lorne Jaffe
October 30, 2013 at 9:50amThanks Jason!
sherry amatenstein
October 29, 2013 at 6:32pmthis a-hole is the one with the problem. Clearly unpredictable. So you didn’t want to provoke a fight. You are only a victim if you think you are. You were keeping it a fun environment for the children. It triggered stuff in you, sure, but you’re no longer a helpless kid and increasingly you are making life-affirming choices.
Lorne Jaffe
October 30, 2013 at 9:41amthanks Sherry
Jean Fields
October 30, 2013 at 11:38amLorne, if I may, I’d like to contribute a few thoughts.
1. This guy was a bully, yes, more importantly, he is narcissistic and insecure. To be honest, he probably has something to hide, like maybe a protection order or some “stay 50 yards away from schools and children”. So you don’t need to carry the insecurities that motivated his actions.
2. Regardless of your internal thoughts and emotions, the fact is that you reversed the escalation that could have degenerated into a fight which would have undoubtedly scarred the children. In my book, that makes you an *AWESOME* dad- because you carry the emotional unrest instead of your daughter.
And that’s what we do, isn’t it? We want to shield our children and we will readily stand between them and any pain, if we can. See, I fear that I’d have been a wise-ass and said “Don’t be ridiculous, I don’t want to break my camera” and then who knows what would have happened next. I tip my hat to you, my friend, for not being as hot under the collar as I would have. Oh, and you probably can “undelete” the photos if you have it on a memory card, and haven’t taken more shots 🙂
M
October 30, 2013 at 7:03pmWhy not be in the same sentence w/Nelson Mandela? I bet he’d be the first to humbly say that he’s just a reg guy like you! 😉
Larry
October 29, 2014 at 9:48pmWhat an asshole, that guy was? Fighting him there would not have been the thing to do. I think your wife and mom are right – you handled it fine. Not alot of choice there.
Lorne Jaffe
November 9, 2014 at 1:12pmThanks, Larry! Agreed that fighting him would have led to worse stuff. The best fight will be via education and support. Sometimes I really hate this world