Right now I hate the world. I hate everything. I hate that I’m depressed. I hate that I’m gaining weight and I don’t know how to eat right. I hate that I hate so many foods. I hate that I can’t keep up with other dad bloggers. I hate Facebook, Twitter and all social media. I hate that I have no passion. I hate that I don’t know what I’m doing anymore with my Fantasy Baseball team. I hate that I’m dependent on my parents. I hate getting gifts of anything that I need- like clothes. A gift should be something special, something you wouldn’t buy yourself. I hate that that’s a first world problem- it makes me feel guilty. I hate that I dislike Sienna right now and I don’t want to be around her. I hate that my wife has physical illnesses I can’t do anything about. I hate my age. I hate that I missed out on so much.
I hate the culture of the world- everything seems pointless. The government doesn’t care. They have their own agendas and lobbies. Nothing’s ever going to change. I hate people who can’t understand there’s an underlying current of race in everything even when it’s not racial. I hate the whole white privilege thing. I feel powerless about that and the whole mental illness thing. I hate that I’m a nobody.
I hate cleaning, I hate that Sienna’s not listening. I hate that I’m so resistant to change, to fixing myself. I hate that I have to always ‘understand’ something before I can do it.
I hate that I have no faith. I hate religion. I hate the news. I hate these people that hide behind the Second Amendment – it’s so infuriating.
I hate that I can’t remember a lot of stuff from my childhood. I hate New York.
I hate that I have no determination: I give up so quickly. I hate that I don’t know what to do with Sienna after school. I hate that my best friends live so far away.
I hate that I’m losing my hair. I hate that I’m tired all the time. I hate that I have so little time with Elaine. I hate having panic attacks.
I hate smokers. I hate people who think they’re above the law. People who don’t signal. I hate people.
I hate that I don’t have a mind that grasps things like math and photography computers. I hate that I can’t read an instruction book. I want to learn photography so much- I want to take pictures of the moon and the Galaxy but I can’t grasp how. I forget things so quickly. I hate that I forget things so quickly.
I hate that I can’t conjure up feelings.
I hate bullies.
I wish I could be one of those people that lets it all go, let’s it all slide off, can be confident in who they are and lets it all slide off.
I hate being afraid.
Most of all I hate that I’m so negative.
Chris Bernholdt
December 8, 2015 at 1:08pmOh man. I have been here so many times I can’t even count anymore. Sometimes I just want to crawl into a hole and be left alone but it’s the love that we need to focus on to combat that hate.
Zach Rosenberg
December 8, 2015 at 4:07pmIn a really weird way, this was actually really beautiful. And on the bright side, you know what you hate, so you’re better off than some folks. There are a bunch of people that go their whole lives unhappy and never know why. You already know. So in a way, you’re winning.
Ryan Rippentrop
December 8, 2015 at 8:30pmWhat raw expression of universal truth! How is it that you were able to get all the things I hate down in your blog without interviewing me first? I personally don’t believe people who claim they can “let it all go” and just be happy-go-lucky. Everyone I’ve ever encountered is living behind carefully crafted walls of safety…some just had better acting coaches and make it look easy. We can’t take the time to call their bluff, so we just have to let those people go–out of our lives. One more hate I have…I hate that you haven’t been blogging recently.
Lorne Jaffe
December 16, 2015 at 11:13amThanks so much, Ryan
Larry
December 8, 2015 at 9:31pmGlad you decided to post this.
I like raw posts with pure emotion. I feel your anger and frustration in this post.
Steve
December 9, 2015 at 12:56amYou hate tons of bad stuff (e.g. racism) that show just how beautiful you are. Hating bad stuff means you love good stuff.
Lorne Jaffe
December 16, 2015 at 11:17amThanks so much, Steve
Victor Aragon
December 9, 2015 at 2:17amThank you so much for this Lorne. I feel the same way about a lot of the things you posted and it is hard to let it all go. Thanks again for posting this.
Lorne Jaffe
December 16, 2015 at 11:17amThanks so much, Victor
Erin
December 9, 2015 at 2:05pmUgh. I hate those days. So frustrating. Sounds like you feel lonely, overwhelmed, and disconnected. Makes me sad. Hate that feeling. Tough to get out of. People give suggestions like list things you’re grateful for and all that crap and some days you just don’t want to. It’s okay to be frustrated and angry. I hate depression, loneliness, and anxiety. The world is brutal. People are difficult. Things are hard to learn. But, it also has beautiful moments and amazing people that I know you see sometimes. The world feels too big and so does the future. Overwhelming. Powerless. Scary. Think small. Think about this moment. Right now.
If you want a suggestion and feel up to it, here is one. If not, cause I hate suggestions when I am mad and in my ranting mode, ignore this and skip down. I don’t know what you’ve tried or what you need. I am not suggesting it cause I know any better. But, when I get stuck, I need someone to shake me back to center sometimes. Breathe. Deep breaths. Use your senses. Describe outloud or clearly in your head what each one senses right now. What do you hear? What do your feet feel like? Name what you see. Reassure yourself. Are you safe? Tell yourself, “You are safe. You are ok right now.”
When you get back centered, what is one small thing you can do for yourself right now? If you were taking care of you as you would your child, what would you do for you? We are all big kids. Tantrums and all.
I found your blog after thinking about getting rid of my Facebook and Googling how social media affects people. Thank you for your vulnerability and honesty. I think most people feel how you have felt but are too afraid to voice it or not self-aware enough to consciously see it or admit it and either stuff it down, numb it, deny, project it onto something or someone else, or can’t even see how they feel. We all worry if we are good enough. You are very self-aware. Your awareness of feelings and sensitivity to others sounds like it gives you the gift of empathy but also the suffering from feeling so much for others.
You are enough. Right now. As you are. You are trying your best. Sure, we all want to be better and have expectations of ourselves to be better and different, but right now, you are doing the best that you can. We all are.
And you know those people who seem to have everything, I’ve worked with a lot of them. They have their own struggles that they don’t let anyone see, sometimes they even hide it from even themselves. But, I know we are our own worst enemy. Even if everyone else sucked, we could still have crazy high expectations for ourselves. But you have one thing they might not, empathy and awareness. Such a double edged sword.
I do hope you find some comfort today.
Lorne Jaffe
December 16, 2015 at 11:17amThanks so much for the comments, Erin. I haven’t been able to do those deep breathing exercises or meditate or get out of my head. I’m working on it. I think I might have been out of my head once in my entire life…otherwise I’m always present. You’re right about the empathy and suffering and I do hope to find comfort. Getting responses like yours definitely helps
M
December 11, 2015 at 3:41amThings Lorne likes and loves:
Elaine’s curly hair, Sienna’s hugs, Minky’s warmth, beautiful nature, frozen dove chocolates, free time, “The dark knight rises”, Elaine’s Christmas presents, naps, visiting with friends, Dad summits, Dad summit gifts, Sienna going to school, kissing Elaine, Sienna sleeping in her own room, going to the movies, Star Wars, beignets, Grandma’s Mery’s empanadas, Sienna’s sleepovers at grandpa and grandma Jaffe’s, Donovan’s, Outback, onions, 80’s music, “The breakfast club”, “Airplane”, the Yankee cap, Australia, New Orleans, gelato, faith in love, faith in Elaine, Sienna’s joy, being a family, living in a country where freedom exists, celebrating holidays through Sienna’s eyes, Elaine’s beautiful face, Sienna’s gorgeous hair, his surprise birthday party…
…being brave.
Lorne Jaffe
December 16, 2015 at 11:14amThanks for this, M 🙂
M
December 12, 2015 at 6:48amummm…oops…I meant the dark knight…
Matt
March 2, 2016 at 3:20pmLorne,
I stumbled across your blog and I feel blessed. I needed to read this so much. I share your hate but reading your post filled me with an enormous sense of comfort that I was not the only one who had these days. You have a gift to be able to express your negativity in a way that positively affects others. You are an inspiration to start writing myself and I look forward to reading more in the future!
Lorne Jaffe
March 3, 2016 at 9:28amThank you for the kind words, Matt. I greatly appreciate it